half of my heart

Redbull rush and a whole slur of words. Now I've been with a lot of people and nobody has actually said that I am a lousy other half before, not in so many words anyway. It struck a raw nerve, mostly because I know damn well it's true. But not to you. Fucking irony of life. In my defense, I will only give you what you give me. Which I guess on hindsight, does make me lousy. I'm selfish and I want to protect myself but let's face it, so do you. I don't want to change for somebody like you, somebody who can't even be honest with me and who only includes me in his life when it's convenient for him. My logic is that if I never changed for somebody whose given me so much more than you ever will, why would I change for you? Maybe age is getting the better of me. And the redemption word rears it's ugly, ugly head. Redemption is a fucking ironic word don't you think? Do I really think that being with you helps me redeem myself from the mistake I made years ago? Do I honestly believe that if I gave this a shot, I would feel less fucked up about my own fuck ups? No. I am so desperately clinging on to the hope that I would get to say, at least I didn't ruin everything I had for.. nothing. Nothing who thinks I'm lousy. Why are you even with me anymore? Child. What does it even mean to be a good other half, and are you fulfilling those requirements? I don't think so. But.. I can't be bothered.

I can only fall short for so long