"It's like being with yourself"

the same old fears

"Once upon a time, there was a boy. He lived in a village that no longer exists, in a house that no longer exists, on the edge of a field that no longer exists, where everything was discovered and everything was possible"

I was your silver lining

but now I'm gold

half of my heart

Redbull rush and a whole slur of words. Now I've been with a lot of people and nobody has actually said that I am a lousy other half before, not in so many words anyway. It struck a raw nerve, mostly because I know damn well it's true. But not to you. Fucking irony of life. In my defense, I will only give you what you give me. Which I guess on hindsight, does make me lousy. I'm selfish and I want to protect myself but let's face it, so do you. I don't want to change for somebody like you, somebody who can't even be honest with me and who only includes me in his life when it's convenient for him. My logic is that if I never changed for somebody whose given me so much more than you ever will, why would I change for you? Maybe age is getting the better of me. And the redemption word rears it's ugly, ugly head. Redemption is a fucking ironic word don't you think? Do I really think that being with you helps me redeem myself from the mistake I made years ago? Do I honestly believe that if I gave this a shot, I would feel less fucked up about my own fuck ups? No. I am so desperately clinging on to the hope that I would get to say, at least I didn't ruin everything I had for.. nothing. Nothing who thinks I'm lousy. Why are you even with me anymore? Child. What does it even mean to be a good other half, and are you fulfilling those requirements? I don't think so. But.. I can't be bothered.

I can only fall short for so long

the high won't hurt you here

A million rocky roads. It seems that you're clinging on to me with such dearness it surprises me. I know I hit you right where it hurts with all my ugly words, my true feelings about our state hanging densely between us. Why haven't you escaped from me and my words like daggers? Looks so curt they hurt, shooting across at you over the dinner table. If you think you are so much better than I am, why are you so insecure? YSL with YSL boy, the true story of my life. Greatest irony of all time would be that you can't even trust me. This is your fault you know that right. It seems the only real time we have together is when we're lying in my bed, sleeping effortlessly till the morning light streams in and you have to go. And I think I've ruined it with the truth. Our legal highs tangling our brains to think that it's okay to share. You and your feelings for me and me and my feelings about you. Life. You and your endless disappointments. In my head, when it's good it's grand. When it's bad, it's annoying. Money isn't everything sweetheart, especially if you don't have it. What truly surprises me (and this makes me sounds ridiculously cocky) is that you even dare to piss me off on such an ironic day. The annoyance I felt coursed quickly through my veins and coupled with alcohol, leads to an all too familiar situation. I begged for nothing to happen but of course, you promptly appear by my side to guard what's yours. Perhaps the most epic part of the evening was when we were sitting by my sidewalk waiting for the coast to clear, a fucking mirror image of myself two years ago with the previous boy.. and on such a night! I am beginning to draw an eerie similarity between you two.

Dark room baby,
I follow you

Your name is in my celing

Looks like the secrets out. Let the cat out of the bag and it hit me like a slap in the face. Still, I can hear the ringing in my head as the alcohol sends blood and adrenaline pulsing through my brain. I can't believe I don't remember any of it. That's great. And to think I savored the effortless sleep the morning after. I wonder what you are still doing with me if I really said all of that. If I were you I would've left on the spot. Unless you're just so desperate to be with somebody. Or it just doesn't matter to you how I feel about you. I really can't tell which is worse. On hindsight, I really shouldn't be surprised that 1) I drunkenly spilled my guts 2) it doesn't affect you much. Maybe you know it's true. Or maybe you've just withdrawn yourself. Or maybe it's enough for you. I still wish I knew you better so I'd at least know. It's not that I don't enjoy this, I do... when it's fun. But sometimes with your empty words and useless promises, I just want to smack you up the side of your head. I know I'm wasting my time and my logic is that I have time to waste. I want so badly to believe that what we have and you are real but.. I know better. I want to buy into this and make this worth my time; in fact, I think I want to more than you do because I don't think you're even capable of anything that's real if it means moving out of your comfort zone or giving something up. It makes me feel bad for you but it also makes me feel bad for myself knowing that I know what true relationships feel like and yet I still sell myself short. Life.

Now you're mine, you're mine again

Swear you'll never leave me

useless motherfucker

#002

tell me I'd fight

Yeah tell me I fought for the wrong thing

But I'm ready, I'm ready,

I'm ready to believe

I'm not sorry at all

Well, whatcha gon' do? In the midst of our secret foray and in the heat of the high, I let out my secret after we'd released ourselves from the cosmic gates (ha ha). The one which I had promised to keep to myself after your disappointing recollection of our secret night together. I doubt that you'd have forgotten me, it seems impossible to someone as self-important as I. Imagine my disappointment and quite frankly, heart ache as you twist your story to make me seem like just another girl. Ouch. That pang was me feeling that this would never be real and came also with a vow to not bother being honest with you. And yet it came pouring out. It just isn't in my nature to keep something like that. Suddenly I find myself lying on top of you after barely escaping a fist fight, with my eyes squeezed shut and rambling the past two years of my life to your curious face, feeling the prickly heat of embarrassment and alcohol on my cheeks. Why had I been so fucking afraid of you changing your mind about me? Because that is how I truly see myself. All his words spat angrily at me on that fateful night embody exactly the way I feel about myself. "But you've learnt your lesson right?" I hesitate to answer. Have I? Honestly? Can I really truly say that? Do I stop myself in terror of repeating my mistake every time I am in an equally dangerous situation? Ha. I think I must hate myself a great deal to sell myself short like that. I am a horrible person and now you've seen me for what I am. Though I can bet it did nothing more than boost your ego as I pleaded for you to stay. "Please at least make this worth it" I smirk with feigned smugness. I really meant it. I've come to think that I might actually see this as some sick, almost desperate ploy for redemption. Well. Maybe that's why I keep making the unfortunate decision of picking bad over good because I somehow feel like I owe it to myself?

Not a miracle in years

not so strong without these open arms

The perks of being Chinese? That was really almost too easy, sauntering past the fire breathing dragon and into my room. The element of danger will always get to me, always. I couldn't be anymore of a grown up, really.. kid in tow or not. A night filled with questions and a strangely empty feeling. I wish I could say I know this is real because I don't feel it. Its not faith if you use your eyes. Most times, even my eyes don't see this love you say you have. I can tell it's pre-matured, I guess it's different hearing it. And feeling it. Ironically, I know I act that way. I guess I just can't handle it. You ask me how I see you and I come up empty. Wordless. I have nothing to say, simply because I just don't know you. And it makes me sad. You used to be this idea. You used to always be this one-dimensional flimsy excuse for a person and I liked it. I liked the idea of this glamorous jet-setting person grounded by the idea of me or well more realistically, wanting me. But it's like when you get close to something and you realize it's.. different. It's a real, three-dimensional person with real feelings and real issues. Except I still don't feel like you have real feelings. I can see the flaws, the lack of easiness and the lack of emotional connection between us. But I so badly want to believe in this. I really do. I don't want to waste it but I also don't want to sell myself short. I want to believe that this is real but I can't. I like it and yeah, it's fun. But how long can adrenaline and the honeymoon high last? Honestly. And on the other hand, fuck you. The one time I decide to fucking bother since things are clearly different between us this year. Friendship over.

Kept my high from the second one,

kept my eye on the first one

in my room

I've got the Shingles

Will you be my everything?

happythankyoumoreplease

I am too afraid to admit that I am content with what I have at the moment. And such a shame, that I could never tell you the way I truly feel. Just cynical words and ambiguous answers. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt because I want to believe you. Who wouldn't? "Are you falling in love?" Somehow it managed to come out a lot less conceited and a lot more.. vulnerable. I know I shouldn't have threatened you like that but I was just being frank. I know I can be great fun but I can also be a self-important prissy princess. And it's ridiculously unattractive but it is who I is yo. It is true, I still hide a lot of me and my emotions from you but I am getting so much more comfortable with you. I can tell. Today's incredibly long day felt.. nice. For one, I like going out with someone who has pants on. And YSL pants no less (lol). Still a million things that make me roll my eyes though like spilling water all over me. klutz. H&M opening = no longer have any reason to live. Job on Monday = surprisingly mellow about it. But back to the more important point of me being self-important (see), I just don't want you to let me down. Again. And on such a grand scale. It has to be the last straw because 1) I don't want to be pushed around by your empty words 2) I will never be able to take you seriously 3) I can barely afford this as it is without it at least being worth it -.- Total game changer.

I want to tell you how much I love you

We just lay wide awake

And pretend we're asleep

And you go home alone

And your checking your phone

And you're looking at me

Like I'm something you own