I tell myself over and over and over again

what am I so fucking afraid of?

so tell me I'm cruel

Everything's just more complicated than I realized. "I don't want to think of the consequences" really doesn't work if "I don't want to think about now". Perhaps I have gotten to become too much of what I like to think is a writer, but I fucking relish the irony that you are actually the exact reason why I am so closed off. You and the actions that were triggered by your mere presence. How alluring would you have to be to have sparked off such a blazing, everlasting fire. Oh how strongly it still burns. All the world can watch. How it affects me so. This won't end will it? Even after you and your burning soul have faded away, from my life at least, it will still always be. Hearing my friends have so little faith in me is like having someone kick you when you're down. I guess it's true that I apparently love myself so much there isn't space for anyone else. Hi Justin. Ha ha. But on a more serious note, I'm certain I am too deep in this already. For some reason that is simply beyond me, I see you in such a painfully romantic way. Perhaps the greatest irony of all, yeah? The one that ruined the very idea of love for me and kept me in the darkest of caves for years. Actually no, you didn't ruin it. That wouldn't be fair. I did. I took love by the hand, gazed into his eyes and stabbed him in the back. I am selfish and I am greedy. I am conceited and I am cruel. And these facts, they weigh heavy on my shoulders, droop on my lids, tugs at my soul. A chain that is supposed to anchor me. And yet it doesn't. Life and it's mysteries.

And all the world can watch the choices you make
All the world can watch each tiny mistake

Oh boy you're only a child

Oh how things have changed. Am I the delusional one? I mean, I feel it but there's always the possibility that I myself am too conceited to see the truth either. I know I need to be buttered up and I wonder if I really am just one to be hunted. I can feel it though and it worries me a little. It's like dude, come on dude, be cool. LOL. Let's face it, it still has that essential element of danger. And it still excites me because to be honest, it's still quite a mystery. Elusive, you say. Yet another too lovely night except for sure, I wasn't bringing my a game. Let's hope that it isn't too late. Other than that, I can almost say it was too comfortable. Drenched in affection. Sigh. Well. Life. Anyway. This girl. I can't deny that you drive me crazy, in all sense of the word. It's fucking painful to think of what the years have done to us. How could you be so heartless? It doesn't anger me so much as it really hurts and I never say that. Because out of all of them, I was the best to you. Well. Such is life, I reckon. And on a less personal note, I can't believe we're still on this. Honestly, I can't believe you when you say it's me. To me, it's a convenient (albeit rather convincing) excuse. This seems to have exploded so much I'm like confused about what the issue was in the first place. But who am I to say, right? Hmm but back to this circle of life thing. It really isn't okay for me to not be able to commit to simple things.. and yet past what is supposed to be the greatest form of intimacy. Because it is. Seems like just a matter of time.

and you kissed me like you meant it

craving

but only if you're a little bit in love with me

sun & moon

"how are you in love with both of them?"

my love burns like the stars

I literally felt my heart drop.

you gotta step up your game

Perhaps I'm just too in love with myself. You can say it was a disastrous weekend. Z-z-z-zouk two nights in a row. What I thought might've been my last chance to relish my freedom. Then yet another unexpected walk past. Why am I always right? These things are just waiting to happen, and they always do. Always. Nowadays, I find myself craving for less than what I have. Less drinks, less high, less mess. (HAHA) What has to happen before I realize that my recklessness is getting me in too much trouble? 1) Maybe it is indeed a small matter but I can't believe you denied it. I doubt it's about me but... really?! I am supposed to be the one that embarrassed. Pfft. And you, you are really just such a fucking girl. You're not the only one either and you're not the only one with an ego to bruise. In fact, your bitchiness makes me want to defy it more. 2) It's the lack of regret, really. That's why I never learn. Everything takes a lot longer to kick in than I realize thus the complete and utter blackout. In this case I think ignorance is bliss. I don't learn because I get over things to easily. I wonder if it's some circle of life thing - once a *****er, always one. I was incredibly insulted by that by the way. I thought i told you (much to my dismay) that you were special. I guess you can't believe my words the way I can't believe yours, yeah?

I simply want him more

because he looks the other way

doesn't really mean that I'm into you

This is making me miserable. This job is teaching me a lot of things, like the true meaning of manual labour and just how difficult life is for people who aim so fucking low. Nothing puts me off more than to be under someone who is fucking incompetent. There I said it and I can't take it back. Never one to quit but.... It's an option. Well. This is also bringing back into light questions of my future and how ready I am to get up and go. On one hand, with all this ridiculous boy drama happening, it makes me feel like I need to start somewhere new where people don't already have that impression of me. On the other, this ridiculous boy drama just proves how much of a mess I still am. Full disclosure isn't necessary right? It was waiting to happen, really. The question is: who am I protecting here? I think that somewhere under all that ego, I know I am wrong on some levels. It just fucking pisses me off that it is such a big ass deal but hey, what's new. Am I really getting too liberal? Maybe I really don't value myself enough. Liberal is a lie because let's be honest, I am still plagued by guilt and all that moral shit. It's always the same fucking debate. Pfft. On a related note, I wonder what is holding me back. Ego is merely a cover-up for my fear of looking stupid. A flat out accusation of it being a conspiracy felt like a slap in the face. I was always the doubtful one but that was kind of harsh. I just hope no one is actually capable of that. Your declaration didn't even surprise me, mostly because it's so hard to believe. I guess only time will tell? Pfft.

You didn't mean it baby

who run the world?

it surprises me how sad I still am

don't let it burn

and now you want me one more time

landslide

I wouldn't know where to begin, so I just won't. That was really quite a nightmare. Everything's just been getting more and more bizarre. I don't want to be too quick to say but it feels good to heave that sigh of relief. So many questions about karma the past few days. This was supposed to push me to be a better person. And it did put a lot of things into perspective, in terms of my inability to be one. A painful reflection of myself and the person I still am. I cannot deal with the past, I just can't shake that image of myself. And it's wrecking me and my self-esteem. Yeah, you win. After all these years, you still win because it still bothers me. Once and probably always. I just can't fucking wait for you to understand the disgusting damage you've done. This is how fucked up it is: I actually think I deserve this. Fuck. Whatever. Anyway. The bizarreness continues. The first time anyone (much less a boy) has ever said that to me. I mean, I've always understood the importance of these bones but I've never actually had it said to my face before.. if that's what you actually said. Ugh. Life. I won't even bother to say it doesn't bother me. My universe doesn't revolve around anyone but myself and it's disgusting. I find that I have gotten painfully selfish and I don't understand why and when. Was I really always like this? Or have I just gotten so used to being by myself and not having to be responsible to/for everyone? I think my changing stands can be attributed to my dead end view of relationships. That and my epic delusion that I can handle myself. HA. I'm just as bad of a mess as always.

I'm bitin' my tongue,

he's kissin' on you

that boy is a monster

surprisingly,

it still really bothers me

Been down one time,

been down two times,

I'm never going back again

I guess karma comes back around

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:

Exit seraphim and Satan's men:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.