the way you move ain't fair, you know?

The beach getaway. The most dangerous trip I have ever made across the border. Someone ought to be shot for that, really. Fumbling around numb as hell (though I must admit, I do impress myself when in such situations). Life. Pleasant, comfortable girly time - a good break from the constant worry of school and the future. And came home to a decent job with a less-than-stellar pay, but it'll do for now. Things are moving forward quickly, as it should. If only I could say the same for you, cos you my dear seem to be stuck in the same place I left you like 5 months ago. It's time you grow up, get up and go. I worry about you, I honestly do. It's just that the way you talk to me and the things you do make me want to punch you in the face. And I can't hold your hand through this, but only because you clearly can't handle it. Ugh. On the other hand, I find myself delving deeper into this mistake. That was an interesting night, to say the least. Totally typical situation.. that I've actually experienced before. It's like I never learn. A million and three lectures later and I still find myself here. I'm stubborn and stupid like that sometimes. Not wishing to think of the consequences, though it's the emotional aspect that truly worries me. Yeah I know you're not the most decent but let's be honest, neither am I. Along with the (actually super mild) bad influences you bring, it all just doesn't add up to enough. You're really not that special, though it does humor me how eerily familiar this all feels. I wonder if people look at me like that, cos it seems it's just a much more severe mirror image of myself and I'm not sure if I like what I see.

He talk like this 'cause he can back it up

Now I've got a taste, I wanna explore,

Ain't gonna waste, no not anymore

You're going hard now, to win my heart

but too many times now, you've been coming up short

let light not see my black and deep desires

I know I said I'll be careful but it might be a little too late.

I know you want me baby,

I think I want you too

It's not what good girls do

Not how we should behave

Cash enough to make me well

I've come to realize that my moral boundaries are defined by what the people around me say. Because clearly, I don't have any. Why is that so? "I leave you alone for insert-number-of-hours-here!!!" Think about it. I am incapable of making good choices. Yet when asked what kind of bad life decisions I almost brag about, I draw a blank. Perhaps it's the disgusting lack of regret that allows me to repeat myself. Because I do repeat myself. Perhaps I am really too easily blinded. I wouldn't say I am delusional; hopeful is a better word. But who wouldn't hope for it to be real? For like instead of want. Girls like that. I have too much emotional pride and not enough physical pride. Definitely only want. Not too sure how I'm gonna get myself out of this one, if it is even something to get out of. Hmm. Yet I don't want it to be nothing either for the sake of my own worth. I can't even bare to think about it. Just flashes of random moments. Does that excuse me? Damn you, genius. The standard just keeps dropping and dropping. This is why I have to be alone. Because right now, the toughest life decision I face at 3.21am is whether or not I should have noodles. In contrast, I really think that I'm doing well alone nowadays.. so well that I am completely uninterested in anything or anyone right now. Even with you, my one and only. I can't say I want it but I can't say I don't. I'm just jaded and tired of emotional bullshit. I don't deny that I occasionally ache for intimacy, but that is a welcome change from the painful ache for companionship I used to carry around. Intimacy like being able to spend copious amounts of time with someone without getting frustrated or bored, but I actually have that with friends as well. Hmm. It truly amazes me that you could think otherwise of me when you of all people know how capable I am. Yeah, that was definitely a bitchy thing to say.

Pills enough to make me feel ill

one more night

I don't feel anything.

I'm in love with Judas

So that was life for a while and now it's back to pursuing my meaningless existence. Brilliant. All this conflict has made me realize that I need to dream bigger and think further. I am at the crossroads where I can't just wish for a bigger life, I've got to put pen to paper. And if it means making the difficult choice of possibly being miserable for two or three years, then well I've got to make that decision. My father just lives in his own world. The generations are changing and the opportunities are getting better. What he fails to see is his lack of foresight and possibly, that he needs to give me this chance as well. One can only hope that his fears wouldn't materialize (what's the worst that could happen? A couple of boys passed out on my lawn pfft) but I think that this might just be what I have to do. So.. I guess all that's really left is, what happens now? I guess it's safe to say that once I've made up my mind, it's pretty much ready to go. I think. Although I wonder if this is really the best option, what with my track record of disgustingly bad life decisions. Hmm. I feel like I might be on the verge of something that could put the number one mistake to shame. A little older and I wouldn't be able to (get away with) act(ing) on every impulse the way I (barely) do now. Mm it's always the same excuse with me, isn't it? Well, we'll see. On the other hand, you need to learn how selfish I can be and that you need to back the fuck up for your own good. I don't deny that I still worry about you but.. I don't mean half the things I say. And I am not someone you should trust. Just saying. Speaking of which, I know I seem to have laid off my obsession but I just need to say that I would give it all up if you asked me to. But that is a fucking long shot.

But how can I when you won't take it from me?

think of what you did

and how I hope to god he was worth it

I've seen him here before

I don't quite understand what it means. Strangely enough, I can't grasp exactly why my choices are never the socially acceptable ones. Even after sitting through countless lectures over the years about my lack of good decision making skills, I don't think I've grown out of it. As my mother said, choosing beneath you will not lead to a good future. I spend too much time wondering. Actually, I still don't see why it's wrong. Yet it feels wrong. And I know it's wrong.. I think. Am I actually playing along? The most obvious reason is one of the past and is your monster, not mine. Not anymore anyway. Thinking back, I don't quite know what it was that turned the situation around. Boredom and as much as it pains me to say, an emotional attachment to the situation. Okay maybe attachment is too strong a word. Basically, you're not just any other stranger. And I don't think this is as much about you as it is about me and my past. The real danger is that I'm quite sure that it's already bothering me. Hmm. I suspect though it's the rebellious streak I haven't grown out of. And the keen interest in a life I truly desire to have. Pathetically. It's almost sad that the one thing I've always avoided since because of you is now redefined by the person you truly hated the most (well, after me anyway). Over the past year, I have avoided reliving the adventures we had in our heads out of respect and honestly, for fear of missing the high. I wanted to preserve and bury the idea of it along with the life we used to have and leave it as that. But your return has only opened the vault, in more ways than one. Hmm. On a more general note, it's really impossible to deny attachments to any of these situations, no matter how fleeting. I guess I'm really not as cold hearted as I like to believe.

Come to decide that things that I tried

were in my life just to get high on

I'm doing it for a thrill

I'm hoping you understand

and not let go of my hand

You can go your own way

Definitely been too long since I've gotten the chance to write. I feel so bad for all the hangovers my mother has to deal with. Hurhur. Speaking of which, my father is such a handful. A classic case of over-promising and I suspect, a severe lack of foresight. I can also say all these things but whether you/we are capable of pulling them off is a different thing. Again. I am saying this again. I am fucking confused enough as it is without you wanting to change the game every other day. He's just giving you more options, mutters my mother the mediator. Not helpful. I fucking resent the fact that he messed up his own fucking life and now mine is dependent on where HE gets into. And he is my older brother. Yes, I should have figured this out a long time ago and no, constantly reminding me is not moving us along. UGH. I never know what I want till it's too late. But that aside, it's like ghosts of christmas' past. First off, I am not your fucking entertainment. I don't know which one of your ever so lovely friends told you that it affected me but honestly, I didn't even remember you being there. Great move there cos now I am actually scorned. Hurhur. On the other hand, I either got over it or realized that it's the single-hood that kept me so obsessed. Sadly, I have come to accept that we are... wait for it..... friends. Ugh. How it fucking sickens me. But as much as (I let) you constantly better me by not replying first, I can't bring myself to do the same. Like I said, you sux. And on the other other hand, I suspect that I am equally intimidated. Oh god, the disgusting irony. I just..... no, no comments there. And on the other other other hand (what is happening with my life?), it's been a good year. Like I love to say, we are truly the motherfucking champions. It's amazing how little I feel. I wish the same could be said all around. Life lesson: I need to learn to dream bigger instead of simply feeling inferior. At the end of the day the biggest question is: what am I so fucking afraid of?

When the rain washes you clean you'll know

players only love you when they're playing

it's a rich man's world

Turn up the lights in here baby

Really random but I still can't get over this photo. Those four words stuck in my mind, I wonder why you said that and what I missed. Anyway. Life has been whirling around me as I 1) begin a temporary job and 2) watch my future dissolve around me. Or well, move away from me? Seems that prospects on this tiny island are getting more and more bleak. So, it's back to the drawing board with well, a world map. Hurhur. Sometimes, I just think my parents need to make up their mind on what they want instead of advocating a million things and then changing their minds. Loopholes aren't real unless you actually pull it off. Just saying. Sigh. On a less important note, this picture. Maybe it's just my penchant for the underdog, the less fortunate one, which leads me to crazies. Hurhur. Sometimes I actually worry about it, not so much in a caring way but in a what-has-become-of-humanity-slash-where-do-I-meet-these-weirdos way. Hawhawhaw. This is why it's important to have pride. But then again, at least someone is writing about you whilst I am merely one of your forgotten. Hmm. On a less important note, sorting out my future made me wish we were friends or at least on pleasant terms because I am quite lost. Though I suspect that it's just the lack of attention. Hurhur. Especially since I am now perpetually hounded by my own physical shortcomings. I am starting to see a pattern.. no?

the day we met was like a hit and run