I think about more than I forget

Pull yourself together, woman. I am blaming the sickness, the heat, the lethargy. I am blaming school, the stress, the workload. I am blaming you and you and especially you. It's none of your faults. It's really my own. I never let anything go and when it goes, it all goes. And when it comes, it all comes. Is it just fun for you? Watching as I self-destruct, lose myself in myself and my plethora of selfish thoughts, losing my fucking sanity with my ridiculous obsession with hate. Oh how I fucking hate you so. I fucking hate you. All of you. And if that's just not enough to bear, I am fucking obsessed with just how much I fucking hate you. Any of you. I fucking need to learn to let things go, fucking hoarder. Hoarding emotions in my head, hoarding memories, hoarding lives, hoarding hatred, hoarding love, hoarding bitterness, hoarding every fucking useless thing but myself. Seriously. I don't know if it's just a bad day or that I've just been having good days but I can't seem to get a proper grip on myself. I know what is important. I know what I should do. I know what is wrong and what is right. But I never know what I fucking want. On hindsight, I really fucking thank God I am not going through that again because honestly, I wonder how I even fucking survived back then. Lost and suddenly alone. Though everything I've built back up is coming back down again. Denied. Sneaky little bastard running around slipping bricks from the foundation of my fort, covering me with words and expecting me to survive. Well, words can't keep me alive.

You had to leave

and that's all I can see