We were all in love and we all got hurt

So it's finally over. Everything's been left behind. And as grateful as I was for the experience, I still feel somewhat shortchanged. Here's to hoping I get that changed though. Initiative or being pushy? I wonder. Nothing touched me more. I don't think I've been this attached to anything in a while and I'm glad I was because I really learnt a lot of our stint at Razor. Honestly. Maybe it can be said that it was the personal motivation.. but overall it was still a fuckload of fun. Fun I would've missed out on if I was still stuck in the hellhole I once called my life. Genius. Having said that, why is it still somewhere around? Fuck you, social circles. In, out, around, in my head, on my pillow. Leave me. Right now I feel like I am blinded by my needs. Why am I always wearing the pants? Till it all collapses anyway. The difference is that you can say it with more conviction than I can because I'm just more sentimental than I'd like to admit. Questions of being dependent. When I go back, will you still be here? How frivolous everything seems now.

This used to be a funhouse

Fate fell short this time

More or less.

That set us all on fire

You, maybe you'll remember me

Can't carry it with you if you want to survive

Last week! How was all of that six months?? Seems too epic to be true, or maybe that can just be contributed to the drama in my life. Work wise, there were about two breaking points. And on everything else wise, well.. let's just say, it wasn't as bad as I had expected. Everything moves in such a blur. All of a sudden, epic things and happening and moving and pushing through.. and in a flash it's all over. (Get it get it) Hmm. It feels like secondary school all over again. Life. And once again as everything and everyone evolves around me, I wonder if I will stubbornly stay the same. These dreams.. why won't they leave me alone? Ignoring life's subliminal messages. It's the kind of thing you know is bad for you but you want to do/have/want anyway. How have I not grown out of this mentality? Raahr. Moving on. What will I miss the most from this experience? Hmm. Have we stained our clean slate already? Or decorated it, more like. I wonder if I am ready to handle having that again.. or more honestly, the responsibility of having yours. I don't want to get used to having less than what it is now. Life. Here we go, out of the comfort zone again.

So lost in the moments when you're in them

The soundtrack of my summer

I am sick of this.

If I roll over, when it's over

How did I end up in such a compromising position? Oh right. Bad life decisions. Hurhur. It seems like a moral dilemma we're all caught in. I almost wish I said something, really. Now what are we to do? On the other hand, it's a complete reversal. Though it's not on my conscience because I've managed to convince myself it is a choice on your part. Ha. Trust is a touchy subject, simply because I can't even trust myself not to ruin this. I enjoy attention as much as the next boy does. Everything I touch breaks in half. Moving on. We're moving on!!! It astounds me, still. Even more so. Questions of the future and it's worth plaguing me. I want this. Maybe this ended up as more than I expected. Maybe I really didn't expect enough. I really should've thought this thing through. Damn you, youth. Oh oh me and my excuses. I need more than I should.. but no I don't think it's too much to ask for, satisfaction. SIGH. Has it really been that long? SIGH. Speaking of which, it seems like the gathering of a lifetime and I am not EXcited. Is there a single fucking memory that isn't tainted by our debauchery? Jesus. It's ridiculous (how proud of it I am). And yet I am so fucking afraid to go back. Raaaaahr I can't deal with this. Maybe I should just focus on the last of this way of life. I have such a problem letting go.

You're pushing and pulling me down to you

But I don't know what I want

I don't want to need at all

Love can't conquer all.

What's in your head?

I'm fucking vain like that.

Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone

I can't believe everything is coming to an end. It astounds me when I think about how much has changed in the last six months. From relationships to friendships to well.. work, it's like I'm living a whole different life. Damn. It's strange to think about how close (ish) we've gotten as well. And how adventurous you are. I'm always seeking comfort and satisfaction. Is it surprising that I'm such a homebody? Well, not my own home anyway. On the down side (get it get it), I feel the craving to be satisfied controlling me yet again. It's a vice, a weakness, an expectation. Sometimes your ignorance just really eludes me, but I'm beginning to understand what they say. Ignorance is bliss. Okay maybe not bliss, just.. easier. I fear that I'm going to become this crazed over-demanding person again. It's not impossible. Honestly, I don't think I know anyone who is as good a person as you are. It seems that once again, my pride is getting in the way of my life. Too proud to let go, too proud to look worse off than you, too proud to show that I care. In that order. I never learnt to let anything go, period. I harbor all this negative energy, letting it manifest to become hatred and vengeance. Well, it's really just me refusing to back down. Or it's this fucking guilt I can't rid my body of. All this talk about emotional attachment, it's all for your sake. Though I'll always have some kind of selfish intention. Two lives that ran parallel for a while. You make me feel so safe. Now.

Defense is paper thin,

Just one touch and I'd be in

You'll always be my thunder

Always picked the wrong one. Aaaah September, how I've missed you so. No.. no not really. I am tired. Just two more weeks!! Sometimes I understate how much I love this stupid job. Admittedly, I wouldn't have any form of attachment or dedication to it if I were still the same as I was when I came in. Hmm. Better off. Scrambling to remember what it was like.. I missed the day again! I am a mess of bad life decisions but I missed the opportunity to miss it. Life win. Back to being public enemy number 1. No, this time it's really not in my head. I guess I always knew this day was going to come. Wondering again how worth it now is. I hate you and how much it has made me question myself. A million different corners... Yes, I'm territorial like that. Skank. On the other hand, I haven't gotten used to this yet. Honestly, I think I'm just afraid to. Change is on the horizon. I don't want to get any deeper than I already am to have it pulled out from under me (get it get it). Speaking of which, it was back to the murder site for me. Flashes of my blurred vision of the night as I stood at the hot spot, like watching a bad porno, really. A painful re-enactment of that first spot of rust, corroding and oxidizing under me. The virus slowly spreading, crawling through my veins, tarnishing my skin. Will this sickness ever leave me?

Kiss you, taste you,

All night, always

I got the date wrong

You won't even know I'm gone

If I don't believe in love,

you're too close to me

I wonder how am I still here

Never seemed more true. The first of September came and went, marking the 2nd year I have had my tongue piercing. I vaguely remember saying I'll stop wearing it once I get out of school. Sigh. This month is always a sad one. Always. A lonely walk home with my hands in my pocket and Coldplay on repeat to remind me of the feeling I wish I have forgotten. Question: What do I want out of this? Companionship and company stems from friendship.. and yet. Am I ready to put myself in a situation where I am that vulnerable again? To be honest, I am still reeling from what is now known to be my biggest loss, the best one yet. 2-in-1. The double blow left a gaping hole. I always say I was too close and everyone would avert their eyes and solemnly nod their heads. Problem is you never really realize what you're doing when you're in it because it always feels so fucking good in that moment. Typically, only that moment. Which again leads me to question: is now all that worth it? I fucking hate these consequences/circumstances. Sometimes I feel like I have my back to you.. which really sucks because a lot of the time I find myself wanting more for you, wanting the best for you. I am poisonous.. maybe a little more than I realize. Missing. Lacking. Wanting. So now that I've finally admitted to myself that I have a problem.. how am I supposed to go about fixing it? For the first time in quite a while, I feel like I have no one to turn to to tell me what to do.

Oh what a thing to do

Running in circles, coming up tails

When this ends,

I'm going to have to go back.

"Choose fucking up every chance you get in the pursuit of finding something pure. We will all forgive you."

A mad man.

Missing.