I had to do something to make it hurt

It's safe to say I have been very emotional of late. My body has officially failed me and now I will never know when I'll bleed.. if I ever will. Whatever. I walk around with so much hate for my skin it is pathetic. Black for safety. Hiding behind my hair. Sleep has become an elusion again. Nights spent with running thoughts, throw back to the old days. Everything on that pedestal. My pedestal. The one I sat so proudly on.. now kept warm by these thoughts of the life I once had. Painkillers. Is time but a number? An idea? I don't think so. So much uncertainty. This started out as a quest for comfort.. security. And now I am so damn unsure. My theory is that it was bound to happen anyway.. I think. In this situation. Yeah I got myself into this mess in the first place. You are blind to my sorrow.. all you see is anger. You're so sensitive is hurts me, and I am saying this in the most annoyed possible way. For fucks sakes, you made such a bad life decision.

Why'd you have to go and pick me

When you knew that we were different completely?

No one knows us at all

This always happens when one side disappears.

I won't get used to being gone

Desperately needed break and a holiday it was. Truly spoilt. It's almost ridiculous. Almost. Never good enough remember? With your absence brings my realization that I am already too dependent on this. Not you, not just yet, but this. I hate to say it but it serves as a distraction from myself. As it always did I guess. Putting it all on someone other than myself. I don't know what regret means. Yet somehow, there's honestly no room in my head for you. Oh dear me what have I gotten myself into? -transition- Epic mindfuck. I let it affect me. It only relates to me if I want it to relate to me. It is everything I hate.. Why are you always right? Still? I am 90 percent of this mindfuck. I let myself drift into the cracks, something I haven't allowed in a long time, just to see how bad it was. B-R-E-A-K. Desperately needed break and broken it was. Cold winds churning my insides, mocking me and my loss. Maybe I really do need some help.

Going back to get away, after everything has changed

Unselfish

Well, I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone does.

I'm in love with my own sins

Dramatic week. I've been so caught up in my hate.. I mean head. Yup.. still bitter. I know it's a matter of perception but I seem to already be stuck in the cycle of omfg-is-this-life?. Fuck. Not to mention, it seems that I've started secluding myself socially. I crave comfort and familiarity more than anything. Grrr. Girls are the bane of my existence. How is that evenly remotely appropriate? I know it's unfair to expect you to hate who I hate (though I do) but I don't care. And even if I do, it's super two-faced on your part. I'm tired of having to tell you how to portray (protect) me. Roar. On the other hand, you are too safe! Alcoholic. The least that could've happened was to make it worth my time!!! (note the overuse of exclamation marks) It's like I want to hear it but I don't want to have to deal with it but I still want it but still.. I don't. Life. Too north, in all possible ways. I cannot deal with the thought of work ending or of school, so I will leave it to the last minute. I have enough issues as it is. Sleep eludes me. Constant physical exhaustion. I fucking hate being sentimental. That's it. It's just nostalgia. Does that make me heartless? Whatever. The more important debate is: distraction or happiness?

Apologetically dressed in the best

But on a heartbeat glide

“That’s how it was with his death. There were still more punishments left in store for them. Everyday there was something new. As if one death wasn’t enough, it spread out, a feast of loss with ever more courses, surprising and painful in ways you could never anticipate.”

Little miss emo

Not-so-secretly not missing anything here.

I think I'm so fucking funny.

A lie until you left

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?

You'll trigger a landslide

You make me miss you even though I barely know you.

It's not what I didn't feel,

It's what I didn't show

East

Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano.

I love(d) the way you lie(d)

I just realized that I forgot to keep the walls up, forgot to keep everything at a good safe distance. I crave company, I do. I am sick again; yet another alcoholic night.. makes things easier? I know everyone judged. Other than that, I really feel like you keep me safe. But.. you are a little too safe. As justine says: "Not that you know what a chinese secondary school boy is ^^" The marker incident crazy impressed me. The more I think about it, the more I don't want work to end. Honestly, I think I'd miss everything. Like weekends, catching up over drinkz, having an actual purpose and being in the North. Safety zone. Away from the other one. I failed to realize how different school would be.. without you. Also, I really really need to delete it before I mindfuck myself more. The worst would be if you weren't even playing and I'm just doing this to myself. But really now.. knowing me, knowing you (THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO). Life. Till today, I've barely figured out how I feel about you now. Most days I genuinely hate you, and others I feel bad because underneath everything, you really did try. I'm just a selfish lover. Perhaps, I really didn't give myself a decent shot at being alone. And not so surprisingly, I find that I don't get enough time alone anymore. Time to clear my head. My new approach to life is to underthink. Somehow, I feel it crumbling already.

You say you do, but you don't deceive me