Typical December behavior. Everything just seems hollow and undeserving. Even on the best of days I return home with a nagging feeling of unfulfilled-ness. And in the early morning, fleeting moments of gratitude and or regret flirt it's way through the clutter of unhappiness. No, it's really not just in my head. Though logically, it' pretty stupid when you think about it. Worrying and dreading December the whole year because it symbolizes the end of another year, and the end of so much more. And at the same time, dreading January because that symbolizes the start of a whole new year. Then you start think "Oh my God it's only January, when will this be over?" And then you just start dreading December again. What a fucking stupid cycle. But then again December brings the dreaded trio holiday celebratory thing that fucks with my mind like no tomorrow. Which then involuntarily tosses school into the backburner. Wish I could say the same about SIP (which is unfortunately, all I talk about now). Meah. If I didn't have such a huge fear about ending things, I'd be so easily liberated by all these strangling thoughts. Roar. That is too easily said. Somehow or other, I always expect to be alone for the holidays. And I almost rather be. These intuitions are so difficult to explain. We tried so hard to understand,
But we can't
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