It seems I am back in this overused space again to pen down and sort through every thought that's wrangling in my mind. My urge to return to this space has been more than usual lately since I have been shut out of most of my normal outlets. Maybe, as you would love to say, it's my own fault for being difficult and impossible and whatever you say I am and whatever everybody expects me to be. I do not deny hostility and mockery on my part but > still stands. Reputation is one thing; the real deal is another. And if you choose to paint me in such a negative light inside your head then my question withstands: Why are you still here? There are so many answers to that question and while I know what is "correct" I cannot bring myself to believe that everything else is not enough. I barely know what I am saying anymore, I am just so exasperated and tired and no I am not saying you are not either I am merely getting this shit off my chest. Our inability to communicate and share real, meaningful conversation anymore annoys and frustrates me to no end. I'm tired of blaming school because it's not our first time and we are not fucking children. I have never been one to deny my own shortcomings and yes I agree that I have not helped this situation much and you can even count the number of things you do and the number of things I do and maybe, depending on the week, you will win but it doesn't mean that it affects me any less. Yes, it is true I am needy when it comes to attention and feeling important I have never denied but it's something I cannot change overnight and it is playing a huge role in why I feel so damn fucked up half the time. I think it is so pathetic that I have more fun and am just generally more comfortable in school than I am anywhere else in my life. This is me moving on to talk about myself-myself. I am crawling out of my skin walking around with such an emotionally unfulfilled state because something this god damn difficult shouldn't be this pathetically unfulfilling. I am so god damn angry and exhausted and drained and lost and distracted all the god damn time now it's not even funny. Stress is one thing; being lost is another. I am fucking crawling out of my skin.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Honestly
It seems I am back in this overused space again to pen down and sort through every thought that's wrangling in my mind. My urge to return to this space has been more than usual lately since I have been shut out of most of my normal outlets. Maybe, as you would love to say, it's my own fault for being difficult and impossible and whatever you say I am and whatever everybody expects me to be. I do not deny hostility and mockery on my part but > still stands. Reputation is one thing; the real deal is another. And if you choose to paint me in such a negative light inside your head then my question withstands: Why are you still here? There are so many answers to that question and while I know what is "correct" I cannot bring myself to believe that everything else is not enough. I barely know what I am saying anymore, I am just so exasperated and tired and no I am not saying you are not either I am merely getting this shit off my chest. Our inability to communicate and share real, meaningful conversation anymore annoys and frustrates me to no end. I'm tired of blaming school because it's not our first time and we are not fucking children. I have never been one to deny my own shortcomings and yes I agree that I have not helped this situation much and you can even count the number of things you do and the number of things I do and maybe, depending on the week, you will win but it doesn't mean that it affects me any less. Yes, it is true I am needy when it comes to attention and feeling important I have never denied but it's something I cannot change overnight and it is playing a huge role in why I feel so damn fucked up half the time. I think it is so pathetic that I have more fun and am just generally more comfortable in school than I am anywhere else in my life. This is me moving on to talk about myself-myself. I am crawling out of my skin walking around with such an emotionally unfulfilled state because something this god damn difficult shouldn't be this pathetically unfulfilling. I am so god damn angry and exhausted and drained and lost and distracted all the god damn time now it's not even funny. Stress is one thing; being lost is another. I am fucking crawling out of my skin.
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