I was drizzle and she was a huricane

End of November. Where do I even begin.. or end? As we draw nearer and nearer to the dreaded christmas/birthday/new year's combo, I have nothing but queries and unfinished business on my mind. Number one concern: Questioning my own self worth. Sticks and stones; skin and bones. Meah. And on top of everything else; How the fuck do I get a decent job and survive 6 months of being pushed around? I've been nothing but distracted and lost and all this escaping is barely helping me orientate at all. Roar at life. Roar again at untimely returns. Here's the thing, I'm not above not returning the favor. I have enough on my plate as it is without having to distract myself with imaginary emotional baggage. Blah. This week we learnt that when it really boils down to it, I really am just like anybody else, aren't I? Sleepless nights and just generally being very upset. Ugh I am such a fucking girl sometimes. Though I must admit your incredible insensitivity as well. Hee. I am so tired and lost and confused I don't know what I'm talking about or where I'm going anymore.

Stop before you fall
I don't wanna pick you up again

"Are we the dining dead?"

And I can't hide that I relied on you,

Like yellow does on blue.

All around me are familiar faces

So I'm having one of those days. The kind of normal, everyday days that you wouldn't guess would leave an impression days and months and maybe even years down the road. The kind of days that end with you looking exactly the same but feeling like a completely different person. Days where you realize how old you are getting, how close you are to the end of the year, how much closer you are to your future, how you are now living last year's future, how far away you are from everything and how much that kills you. Days where you realize you are still sitting in the same seat in the same lecture hall as you were a year ago with the same people except you are wearing your hair differently and you've got less make up on. Except I wear my hair the same everyday. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I wouldn't believe half the things I say; and I don't. I am so frazzled out of my fucking mind. There are way too many people in my space, and yet somehow there is no one at all. Now is just a fucking fantasy.

Going nowhere

Honestly

It seems I am back in this overused space again to pen down and sort through every thought that's wrangling in my mind. My urge to return to this space has been more than usual lately since I have been shut out of most of my normal outlets. Maybe, as you would love to say, it's my own fault for being difficult and impossible and whatever you say I am and whatever everybody expects me to be. I do not deny hostility and mockery on my part but > still stands. Reputation is one thing; the real deal is another. And if you choose to paint me in such a negative light inside your head then my question withstands: Why are you still here? There are so many answers to that question and while I know what is "correct" I cannot bring myself to believe that everything else is not enough. I barely know what I am saying anymore, I am just so exasperated and tired and no I am not saying you are not either I am merely getting this shit off my chest. Our inability to communicate and share real, meaningful conversation anymore annoys and frustrates me to no end. I'm tired of blaming school because it's not our first time and we are not fucking children. I have never been one to deny my own shortcomings and yes I agree that I have not helped this situation much and you can even count the number of things you do and the number of things I do and maybe, depending on the week, you will win but it doesn't mean that it affects me any less. Yes, it is true I am needy when it comes to attention and feeling important I have never denied but it's something I cannot change overnight and it is playing a huge role in why I feel so damn fucked up half the time. I think it is so pathetic that I have more fun and am just generally more comfortable in school than I am anywhere else in my life. This is me moving on to talk about myself-myself. I am crawling out of my skin walking around with such an emotionally unfulfilled state because something this god damn difficult shouldn't be this pathetically unfulfilling. I am so god damn angry and exhausted and drained and lost and distracted all the god damn time now it's not even funny. Stress is one thing; being lost is another. I am fucking crawling out of my skin.

Destroy what destroys you.

Storms; they will not fade away

Tragedy on so many levels. Worst Thriller ever but admittedly still fun as hell. Until the end of the night that is. As always. My faith in everything has gotten so incredibly low that I am beginning to question my own logic. Hope can only bring us so far in this. One and only one good day out of seven long, meticulous ones. I can hardly wrap my mind around half they things we say. It's mind-boggling really; the amount of oh-my-fucking-god that goes on. Trust perched precariously on the edge. Phones and other miscellaneous items flung angrily at walls, mirroring the spiteful words shooting from our lips. I am tired. I hate it when my mother makes sense. And I hate how painfully easy it was to admit that I know it isn't working anymore. We have changed so much that everything we used to have is no longer recognizable. Everything has turned into spite and accusation, credit and blame-pushing, grudges and irritability. I don't even know how I feel about anything anymore because the loneliness I feel when I am around you is so fucking overbearing. Irony Irony. It is the last day of the week already.

I can't force these eyes to see the end

Don't let me fall asleep,

Feeling empty again.

Just face it, don't pretend

I guess we can't keep doing things with our eyes shut. Can't keep pretending nothing's wrong. Can't keep acting like we know where we're going. Can't keep breaking our backs over this unnecessary burden. Can't keep up with the momentum. Can't pretend I'm not drowning. Can't pretend we're not already alone. Can't pretend we have been kind. Can't pretend we have been keen either. Can't pretend their words don't matter. Can't pretend it's getting any easier. Can't pretend I don't need the high. Can't pretend our patience is running thin. Can't pretend the spark is fading. Can't pretend we won't explode at each other. Can't pretend it's not tolling and boring. Can't pretend we don't hate each other. Can't pretend we don't know it's not worth it. Can't pretend we know what we're doing. Can't pretend that this isn't it. Can't pretend that this doesn't hurt, because it really really does.

I didn't hear you leave,

I wonder how am I still here.

Hush little baby, don't you cry

Welcome back, motherfuckers.

Confess all the faith that I had in you.

There are just some things that should be left unsaid

Aaah where to even begin. Instability: the biggest understatement ever. Above was the day Sonia and I realized we were both horrible people, and didn't care. Then Halloween rolled by; last minute planning and genuine excitement. And surprisingly enough, it turned out to be a pretty spectacular night. Though I wished we were all actually in the same club. Hurr. This is not a fucking competition, mofos. And even more surprising, school isn't making me want to shoot myself in the head every second of the day, which is new. Hawhaw. Everything else seems to be flitting away way too easily. Family is a whole other level all together. This is killing me more than you even know. I refuse to accept anything as my fault. Drifts lead to nothing but decline and deterioration. Acting like I care leads to more repulsion. I'm just going with the fucking flow.

We're the new face of failure.

a year ago

I find it kinda funny,

I find it kinda sad.