Saturday, October 17, 2009

Voyeurism is lonely too

I don't even know where to start. With that much space to breathe, I am surprised that I have recently started developing breathing difficulties. Maybe I am actually developing pneumonia. Hurhur. Watching us grow up and apart left a strange swirl of envy and comfort. I guess somehow, there really isn't much difference. In every possible way. I've delayed this post for so long that I now have nothing much to say. Except that my mother stalking me = frantic cabbing and run, run, running (alone). What else is new. School is more of a hazard to me than anyone else. The amount of fear, apprehension and money that I have spent attempting to wrap my head around the idea is.. tolling, to say the very least. As always, the dread is overwhelming as the notion of angsty, mundane days (all spent alone) becomes to overbearing to ignore. This weekend was supposed to be the last blow-out before school begins. And what a blow it was. Ha. Insomnia plagues the best of us as I lay awake at 4am every morning (alone), wondering exactly how long I've been gone. And questions of what if you weren't you and I wasn't me. Just because I don't use it, doesn't mean I haven't sacrificed everything to end up doing this alone.


I think I made you up inside my head.

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