looking for the answers

I guess there are better things in life than my small problems. Sometimes we all just need a break, to step back from your own thoughts and out of your mind into the real world. Not that I'm saying that these worries and paranoias and fucking feelings aren't real. But I think maybe it's time I start to re-evaluate how much importance I put in this and you. Sadly, the fact of it is that I'm simply that kind of girl. I'm the kind of girl that does better when in a pair, that wants every part of someone else and to be everything in their life. And vice versa. Maybe I turned out to be the kind of person that makes someone else their life. But I'm not that big. I can only give so much without any expectations. And after all this time of building and growing into what we have, I'm starting to lose hope. Perhaps it's the effect of time and familiarity and whatever the hell else, but I'm struggling to hold on to this weaning sense of security. I don't ask for much, only to please not make a fool of me and to be here if you want to be here. I think these are reasonable requests. I'm not a child anymore. I'm learning to be more matured and more sane.. and that's exactly why I think I need to step back and just. There are bigger and better things and places and fuck, even people to think about. The perfect example is pictured above when my family and I travelled to Halong Bay, of all places. A true adventure of remarkable views and perfect weather. But more importantly, the much needed respite came at the most appropriate time. Not because of some silly reason like being a test of time and space and whatever lame thing I would've believed when I was younger, but simply because it was a good break from my constant worrying about and borderline obsession with this. Or whatever.

I didn't want to be the one to forget

where you once belonged

My life is constantly on the move. Everyone assumes that I have nothing better to do with my life and time because I'm funemployed but that's not true at all. In between rolling around in bed, getting mah nails did, driving, coffee, afternoon drinks and meaningful conversations, I barely have time to think or worry about anything. Like my future. In spite of the disappointment, I still have hope that things will work out in some way or other. But back to the now, my days are short and hectic. The nights are slow and relaxing. But maybe I have a skewed point of view right now because I just got back from a holiday. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I am very lucky and endlessly grateful for all that I have. And though nothing lasts forever, I can't help but want to fully appreciate everything.

here comes the feeling

I would love to say that this feeling is an uncommon one for me, especially at this time in my life when things are supposedly going fucking peachy. The truth is I feel this frustration and disappointment and paranoia fucking often and sadly, it's only been getting worst. I don't know if something happened... or worst, but I fucking hate the way this feels. The last month has seen me feeling progressively more unhappy and this is something I can't run from anymore. I'm not a child, I understand how these things work. It really has been a long time and maybe that deadline wasn't just in my head. Things get too comfortable, too familiar. Trust me, I know. And I can't even begin to stomach the idea of someone else. I always knew this was coming, but I can't stand feeling this way. It's not right.  I'll never be ready for it. I just hope I'm wrong because I can't see myself without you.

a hot sweet taste

It's been a while since I've set aside some time to pen my feelings down in this space, but looking back on the empty spaces spurred me to sit down tonight and type. That and recent developments. Okay, calling it a fucking development is a stretch. Recent.. conversations? I'm happy to say that I'm typing this with neither ill feelings nor sadness of any form. Not to say that everything went as well as I had wanted (there are still certain things that make me roll my eyes so hard) but I feel satisfied now with things between us past and present (ish). Honestly, what really helped was that I am no longer on my crazy post-japan-singapore-sucks bender. Oh and time. But mostly the lack of alcohol thing. Even though I was hella surprised when my phone lit up, I'm glad to know that we can still have easy, honest conversations despite whatever happened between us (dream or not). I know you didn't call with the intention of clearing things up, but I'm glad you did because I wouldn't have dared to if you hadn't. Having said that, I don't think I've ever heard anything more accurate than when you said that I only have feelings for you when you're actually in my life, and that I can as easily brush it aside as I can feel it. I truly don't know why that is, but I'm pretty sure you're right. The only thing I know for fucking certain is that you and I are the same. There is no other way you could diagnose it that fucking well. Not to sound bitter (ish), but you've proven that as well with your latest conquest or whatever the fuck you call them. Jokes aside, I've been surprisingly not bitter about the whole thing. Perhaps it's not so much as my "feelings for you" but just you and our relationship that makes me so candid and uninhibited. Whatever it is, I am quite fucking sure that what it is we supposedly potentially feel is not real. Real feelings don't come and go. It's as simple as that. Frankly, I have fully come to terms with that. A lot of the reason is because I know more about you now than I should. I'm disappointed knowing what kind of man you've become. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, nether am I playing victim. In fact, I know I'm far from being the innocent little girl. All I'm saying is that you're not as big as you think you are and that was disappointing for me. To me, you were always the beacon of hope in a world where no one is faithful and loyal and true. But you know, that's life. Other than all of this (that I'm really glad to put behind me), I'm happy to report that everything else is going perfectly peachy. I am at a time in my life that I truly appreciate everything and everyone that I have. If I should say so myself, I've fought hard in many different ways for everything I have.

she broke down and let me in

white houses

two years, two continents, three brilliant cities, countless memories and experiences and friendships and one man child later