a hot sweet taste

It's been a while since I've set aside some time to pen my feelings down in this space, but looking back on the empty spaces spurred me to sit down tonight and type. That and recent developments. Okay, calling it a fucking development is a stretch. Recent.. conversations? I'm happy to say that I'm typing this with neither ill feelings nor sadness of any form. Not to say that everything went as well as I had wanted (there are still certain things that make me roll my eyes so hard) but I feel satisfied now with things between us past and present (ish). Honestly, what really helped was that I am no longer on my crazy post-japan-singapore-sucks bender. Oh and time. But mostly the lack of alcohol thing. Even though I was hella surprised when my phone lit up, I'm glad to know that we can still have easy, honest conversations despite whatever happened between us (dream or not). I know you didn't call with the intention of clearing things up, but I'm glad you did because I wouldn't have dared to if you hadn't. Having said that, I don't think I've ever heard anything more accurate than when you said that I only have feelings for you when you're actually in my life, and that I can as easily brush it aside as I can feel it. I truly don't know why that is, but I'm pretty sure you're right. The only thing I know for fucking certain is that you and I are the same. There is no other way you could diagnose it that fucking well. Not to sound bitter (ish), but you've proven that as well with your latest conquest or whatever the fuck you call them. Jokes aside, I've been surprisingly not bitter about the whole thing. Perhaps it's not so much as my "feelings for you" but just you and our relationship that makes me so candid and uninhibited. Whatever it is, I am quite fucking sure that what it is we supposedly potentially feel is not real. Real feelings don't come and go. It's as simple as that. Frankly, I have fully come to terms with that. A lot of the reason is because I know more about you now than I should. I'm disappointed knowing what kind of man you've become. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, nether am I playing victim. In fact, I know I'm far from being the innocent little girl. All I'm saying is that you're not as big as you think you are and that was disappointing for me. To me, you were always the beacon of hope in a world where no one is faithful and loyal and true. But you know, that's life. Other than all of this (that I'm really glad to put behind me), I'm happy to report that everything else is going perfectly peachy. I am at a time in my life that I truly appreciate everything and everyone that I have. If I should say so myself, I've fought hard in many different ways for everything I have.