Boysboysboys cry more than girls

Grrrls Night Out. I suppose you could say I had more than what was.. allowed. Vicious intentions accompanying a competition I quite frankly detest. I think I hate you and everything I am becoming. Pulling in and out and hating every second of it left me wondering what the fuck it was we were trying to pull. Have I (finally) disappointed you like I have done so with everyone else? This week has been nothing but me falling short; numbers, esteem and my everything. It has also served as a glaring reminder that I am without the only one who would actually be impressed by my mediocracy and lackluster performance. Ah screw that, expecting is in everybody's nature.. as it is in mine. Exactly, so have I? Or will I be given yet another opportunity to fuck up with these strategic thoughts frolicking in my head? I only play defense if you don't seem to have noticed. Rueing the day my thoughts leave me stranded is not as good as actually doing something about it, because I am sure and scared as hell now. I have not felt safe in days and I don't want to get used to it.

I jumped across for you.

You got me spinning right round

The past few days have seen me taking small steps towards self-improvement. Hawhaw. Simple acts like cleaning my room, actually looking for a somewhat decent job and writing have made me feel rather productive (Save for the fact that half my wardrobe is strewn on my floor at the moment). Hahaha. Other than this acute sense of loneliness I can't seem to shake, everything is fine and dandy. Self-esteem issues. I'm so sick of all this trivial drama exploding around me, as it always seems to be. Grow up. Today I realized how immature these situations always are but that's only because I'm the kind to compare lives. Okay I admit, I am an incredibly jealous person in every way possible and right now I am feeling nothing short of inferior. Healthy doses I suppose. I would rue the day it leaves me stranded and alone though cos it might. Ah my stupid life. Change begins from within and while it is incredibly trying, I am trying.

Watch your heart when we're together,

Boys like you love me forever.

Always looking out

Summer dreams ripped at the seams but oh, those summer nights. Long endless nights. Or more aptly a shrouded dawn. Hidden under a blanket of loss; self-worth lost, a future that has lost all meaning, a lost sense of security, a lost love. Troubles, uncertainties and fantasies dancing in and out as the sun slowly wakes. Sleep was no longer an escape, plagued with real dreams with real meanings and real consequences, but all in an alternate reality. Kind of. Suffocation at it’s (second) best, except more and more no less and less. That and neglect results in a complete meltdown. I needed. This is the life I have carved for myself, I will never be satisfied and therefore I will always be lonely. I am what I am and I no longer give a fuck if I am exactly what you are comparing me to simply cos you would never match up. Truth is subjective.. or will be anyway. Now now, with such complications I will never be happy. It's 4.30 a.m. and I am a non-believer.

Yes I wish that we never made it

Through all the summers

Why's it always you and never me?

It is now 5.27 a.m. this Monday morning and I am welcoming yet another week of my holidays. This insomnia, or some might even say insecurity, is really getting out of hand. In my state of frustration, I have given in to all temptations and am now wolfing down noodles like my life depended on it. Sadness. This year equates to giving in to all temptations but I'm way too tired to elaborate or string comprehensible trains of thoughts so we'll just leave it at that. Old faces; people I once loved, people I thought I knew and people I seem to have forgotten. New adventures; people I once loved, people I rediscovered, people I learnt to count on. February may always be my month of love. Sometimes I feel positively lost in this world I have etched for myself. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's dangerous. Sometimes. The past two weeks of slumber has been plagued, cursed, tormented with the most perplexing, baffling and downright queerest dreams. I must rid myself (ourselves) of these.. illusions. "I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion." Vulnerable. Dineesha, you are truly missed. Hmm. I am off to pop another Panadol and hope for some peace.

Take all your big plans

And break them.

This is bound to be a while.