My heart is going insane

I hate my job. I hate that it's so dull and I hate customer service when I am in a terrible mood. I hate everything. I hate limitations. I really really hate you. I hate obligations. I hate all these dumbfuck memories.I hate half my wardrobe. I hate all this emotional music. I hate the pity. I hate not having enough money. I hate how everything moves so fast. I hate the thought of going back to school. I hate change. I hate F1. Have I mentioned that I hate my fucking job? I just want to fuck it all and shop and party my fucking life away. Is that too much to ask for?

We said let's not leave on bad terms,

In between them bad words

Break down the door to your heart

I will stand a broken man.

My watch doesn't work. As much as I try to rewind it, to take it all back, to transport myself back to a time when things made sense, I can't. That hardly seems fair.. or makes sense! Roar. It was bound to happen, I guess I'm glad I saw it before I walked right into the mess then. HA. I guess. Oh dear me, what have I gotten myself into this time? Everything is a figment of my imagination, everything is blown up, exploded, expanded in my mind. Or maybe in actual fact everything is decreased, downsized, disregarded. Everything that hurts is thrown aside in this brain of mine and replaced by happy thoughts and make-believe memories that glazes over the wounds. I refuse to see the inflictor in it's true light, but in one that I create myself where everything is the way I want it to be. Which might just explain why I am still stuck. Here.

So here we go again,

With all the things you said.

And not a minute spent,

To think that we'd regret.

Still I'm dying with every step I take

Holidays are hazardous.

Can you tell that I have way too much free time? I am not moving, I am expanding! (In case you are ever curious about what I wear everyday. HAHA) Well I get that bored really. I slept most of this week away and spent the rest of the time out spending too much money. Oh and folding tiny clothes. Haha. Stupid proving my sobriety. Well I did it, so in your face people who did not believe I could go a week without my vices. So in the name of good clean fun I spent a lot of time reconsidering my wardrobe, which I will attempt to sort out tomorrow. I detest logical shopping, but my money is tight at the moment (seeing as how I blew close to five hundred since school ended on.. coffee?) Roar. My fantasy vacation remains a fantasy at the moment. Plus if I leave, upon my arrival back I'd be greeted with a sweeping wave of change and confusion anyway. Not very inviting. I will be working next weekend as well so no fun for me. I feel like telling someone I missed them but Gosh that would be more inappropriate than if I told you I missed you. Goodness gracious me! Let's try to shut our traps this time alright?

My heart ain't a brain,

But I'm thinking that 

I still -.

Discuss me over cigarettes

We're all addicted to something.

I hate working at the Baby section for multiple reasons. First, it's dull as hell. And folding tiny (Like seriously miniature) articles of clothing make me feel huge, and that's just not cool. And more importantly it makes me feel really old. I know I'm not actually that old seeing as I'm still sixteen and Din's turning eighteen in very very soon. Rahr. But really spending hours arranging and rearranging tiny clothes does nothing but serve as a reminding of how long ago it was that you could fit into something that small and how much harder life is now. I am wasting my life away and yet if I was a tiny toddler, I'd just be living it. Cos there's not a lot about me that's reminiscent of my younger days, expect perhaps my toy watch and we all know that it doesn't actually work! Hahaha. The only thing I'm grateful about is that I consider work one of the way I'm wasting my youth while adults are just living. Ha!

 

Can't say I'm sad to see you go,

Cos I'm not

Can you hear me screaming?

I am wasting my life away.

One Two Three Four,

Tell me that you love me more.

Sleepless long nights,

That is what my youth is for.

Can't remember why I fell in love with this

There's nothing left to show you

I have quite metaphorically speaking of course relented and swept another booze-infused night right under my security carpet and climbed up the huge heap and sat crossed-legged on top, beaming from the pride of having conquered my imaginary mountain. Only to look up to realize that my head is almost hitting the ceiling, oh dear child. Even my moral and mental triumph that came in rather bitchy electronic words and a less-than-endearing smiley quickly dissipated when I realized hours later that I had just given the permission to shirk responsibilities and guilt. Great job, oh am I being discreet enough by the way?

Well sod that then. There's too much to say, and that'll be my cue to keep my big fat mouth shut. Somehow I never listen, or shut up. (What DO I do then? Jeez) Well sorry bout that then honey, even if you don't love me anymore. If I had an LJ my mood would say contemplative, or apathetic, or well just plain bored. Maroon Five is playing. Oh and it seems the world is now divided right down the middle again and the comfort that I so selfishly indulged in now non-existent. Rahr. I'm going to sing "Miss you Love you" all night. Yeah definitely not discreet enough.

My heart is crushed,

By a former love.

Can you help me find a way

To carry on again?

Can't say I'm sad to see you go, I'm miserable

Hello Miss secretly emo;

Do you miss me?

I didn't think so.

So we just take it back,

These words and hold our breath,

Forget the things we swore we meant.