Inside I hope you know I'm dying

This just isn't funny anymore.

I am exhausted, I haven't been able to sleep. I am falling behind, I haven't been able to concentrate. I am stuck in the same damn place and I can't move. I'm trying I really am. I am angry at the world and myself, and really it's just another day in my life cos I've been like that for the past forever and I hate it. 

Cause nothing feels like home,

You're a thousand miles away.

And the hardest part of living,

Is just taking breaths to stay

I wish you were here with me tonight

I hate how everyone has to coax me, remind me, nudge me, push me to study before I'd even begin to start simply because I have fucking given up. I hate how everyone has to check if I studied today because they know that I probably wouldn't have concentrated much because I just don't care anymore. It's not that I don't love you for it, I do. I just hate how much things have changed for me. I hate how I know it's a big deal but just can't be bothered. I hate how I used to be the one telling people to study and how I now have to be told. I hate that I know I can do it like I've done millions of times before, but I just don't wanna try. I hate that I know it's not fucking worth it. I hate that I have so many excuses for myself and for what I have become. I miss it all, how it used to be before I started to hate things

Where are you?

And I'm so sorry

I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight.

I need somebody and always

This sick strange darkness

Comes creeping on so haunting every time

I never said I missed her, I miss her.

And all this time, I've watch it change,

But it's still the same.

I had a terrible dream, not the kind filled with monsters or dragons, but the realistic kind when you wake up with an empty feeling and questions swirling in your brain. Not a brilliant start I suppose but Siglap my love saved the day once again. My mind has been in an odd disarray though and it's crippling my ability to concentrate on studying. Everything feels like such a mess, like there's so much going on I don't even know where to begin. Actually what it feels like is reels and reels of tape, all precious memories, being played from one of them old projector thingys. All of them cut exactly where I want, portraying only what I want to see. Except this time all the little details I overlooked then are glaring me in my face. All the signs, all the gestures, all the damn intentions I chose to ignore now returning to taunt me and successfully make me feel like a fucking idiot. Everything the way it should be, but never will be. Everything wrong, just plain wrong. 

Images of broken light which

Dance before me like a million eyes

That call me on and on

Across the universe

If only you were here?

It's amazing how gross we look with alcohol and flash.

So birthday weekend came and went. Happy birthday Marika, Pau and Kat! Hope you loved the cake babe! Love you loads! And Pau, I heart you many many! After all the calling and the yelling and the painting and the shopping at Ikea with Chris, the night turned out brilliant. The most fun I've had in a while I would say! Well cleaning up the excess Hokkien Mee must have been a different story altogether, but you know. Hahaha. Neither was having to ask two different people permission for a drink, but fine that was slightly amusing. Haha.

Exams are in a week and I just got in holiday mode. Rahr. This week saw me reconsidering priorities, obligations, pride, my motivation to strive, the past and all it's complications. All the reflecting I guess changed my perception of things. Like how I finally understood that priorities shift and stuff become obligations because time changes things. Or how I realized my motivation behind everything, especially school, was that I wanted you to be proud of me, which is dumb. In a weird way it made putting everything aside for just one night finally make sense to me. Yes I am well aware that this wont make sense to anyone, but it does to me so I'm posting it anyway!

And everybody gets their way,

I never said I missed her

When everybody kissed her.

Now I'm the only one to blame.

Things have changed for me,

But that's okay.

I pull you back

RAHR.

I am angst-y and no one cares.

But I'm choosing to leave

With your heart on my sleeve.

It feels too good without you.

I wish I didn't leave, I wish you didn't leave me

In my mind we had so much time.

I wish things were how it used to be.

I wish we didn't have to move,

To grow up, to change.

I wish we could go back,

Backtrack, relive.

I wish time didn't happen,

I wish nothing happened,

Nothing evolved, escalated, exploded

Around us.

I wish you never came around,

I wish I never let you in.

I wish I weren't so full,

Full of regret, of grief,

Of angst, of disappointment.

I wish I left before

Everything evolved, escalated, exploded

Inside me

I love you but I'm letting go

I miss everything.

Built a wall around my heart,

Never let it fall apart.

But strangely I wish secretly 

It would fall down while I'm asleep.