this is god damn bullshit

growing up and all that shit

I hate it.

taking my time on my ride

I thought I had you on hold

what do you mean?

Sometimes, when I am driving down that familiar road home, I think about what it used to be like. A distant memory I look back on with some degree of fondness. These roads have taken us far away from each other and a time when we shared a common goal. We are strangers now, as we were back then. And I wonder.. do you still think about me?

I want love or death

"You're not going to lose me. You've given me a taste for life. I wanna be happy. Sleep in a bed, have roots. And you'll never be alone again, Mathilda. Please, go now, baby, go. Calm down, I'll meet you at Tony's in an hour, I love you, now go, go now."

it's good times, babe

I cannot believe an entire year has passed since the last H&M collaboration.. amongst other things. I know I hardly say or even believe it nowadays, but I am so grateful for how much I have in my life. More importantly, I am very grateful to how far I have come as a person. Don't get me wrong, I still have an extremely long way to go, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I have grown so much in the last 5 odd years. I won't say I've drastically changed (although I probably should've) because I definitely still see shades of my reckless, destructive self.. but I have definitely matured a whole deal. I worked hard to get here. As much as I still despise myself.. it's nice sometimes to reflect on all the terrible things (read: boys) I brought onto myself and how it made me that much stronger. That is all.

runaway from me, baby

and I just blame everything on you 

at least you know that's what I'm good at

what's my prize?

I think that the only reason this still bothers me is because I don't have closure. As much as I hated what happened, I can't deny that I still think about it more often than I care to admit. It's been a long time, and it wasn't even real, etc etc etc. Honestly, it still doesn't even feel real to me. I know this is just an idea in my head. I know I made this up. And yet, I can't quite shake it off entirely. You are a ghost following me around, reminding me that for some reason, I was simply not good enough.

looking back,

you're all I see

I've always secretly wanted

It's been too long since I've been here. Most of it is because I've been all over.. London, Hong Kong, Tokyo, the works. Some of it is also because I've been super reluctant to think about my life and where it's been. The most striking thing I've read this week: "Getting your shit together is not just something you tell your friends over drinks. It's about actioning on it." Right. It's difficult when You're The Worst. Truth be told, I've been quite unhappy with the way my life is now. Although I am doing relatively well, I find that I am still deeply dissatisfied with where I am. I guess I just always thought I would be better and do better. I guess I thought I would just.. get good. Ugh. Actions > Words. I'm going to get this shit together even if it kills me. Like how I was going to get over that shit even if it killed me.. which it didn't. It's fine. It's been so long now, I can only barely make it out through the haze of nostalgia and misplaced longing. I hardly think about it anymore, but if I do, I feel more disenchanted than delusional. Honestly, it just kind of became this idea.. as it always does. Not so much the idea of this one particular person, but the idea of something fleeting and... romantic? In some sick, non-standard way. Or at least that's what I choose to believe. Well. Everything is. Everything is simply what I choose to believe.

constant horror and bone-deep dissatisfaction

you with me or what?

tell me that you want me

maybe I shld be more like her

runnin' wild inside of me

Feeling truly blue, despite what was supposed to be a celebratory weekend. If all goes as planned, tomorrow should be the day that I finally get what I have been waiting for for what feels like for fucking ever. I'm grateful and excited but also like meh. I don't think I've ever waited for anything this long. I just hope everything goes as expected. This weekend was like a blast from the past.. ish. It's amazing how different my life is now from like.. 2011. I actually do occasionally miss the nights out, blindly drinking whatever was put in front of us and just having fun with friends. For a second there.. through the haze of booze and laughter, I thought I saw a flicker of the years past. It's definitely not the same as before, there's no expectation. Instead, there's a punctuated indifference. It's easy because it was never real, as with every thing else in my life. This game has long played itself out. I know we've hit Game Over, but there's still that tiny part of me that, curiously, wants to hit reset. And I don't want to believe that I've been playing solo. I know I haven't. We are far too similar for me to believe otherwise. I know the parts of you that are exactly like me. Surprisingly, for two people who seem to come from completely different worlds, we are basically like the same egoistic, narcissistic, competitive and extremely proud person. I know it's not about me for you, much like how it really isn't about you for me. And yet, I wonder.

how I didn’t want you to go

"I didn’t want to kiss you goodbye — that was the trouble — I wanted to kiss you good night — and there’s a lot of difference."

do you think I'm pretty?

do I make you feel like cheating?

whatever happens

everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.
everything works out the way it should.

I feel like they wanna see me learn the hard way

I feel like I'm way too involved with these people, when they've done next to nothing for me

where are you now?

well, I done fucked up this time

playing dirty, not clean

2000whenever

"wait ten years, we'll be together"

#feewingz

kind of miz u tho

oh let me go, old dinosaur

I know it's been a long time, but I've kept away from this space because writing down these thoughts only amplified them in my head. You know what they say.. out of sight, out of mind. And yet. I really have to admit, I do miss having a friend for the day to day. Although I think about it a lot less these days, my mind can't help but wander to the times we spent together waiting for the world to end. And of course I knew it wouldn't last and that things would've changed.. as they should have. Yet I can't seem to shut out that voice in my head that constantly wonders if you ever think about me anymore. Ugh, I'm a child. Do you though? Do you still think about me and that one time..... Maybe it would be easier for me too, if I was the one that left. But it's fine. It's life. It wasn't going to go anywhere anyway and a million other excuses I tell myself to feel better about the fact that for some reason, I didn't get what I wanted. It's really fine. At this point, I really only want it because I simply can't have it. Well, you know. Moving on. I think where I am in my life right now, I'm constantly at the cusp of getting what I want. I have had so many good and bad things happen to me. I feel down right now, but I am still ever ever grateful for everything that I have in my life. I may forget this along the way, but I've seen what it's like to live on the other side, to live such a separate life from the people around you. I've seen what it's like to not appreciate everything that you have, to be inconsiderate, to be selfish. I don't want that anymore. I want to change and I want to be better. I want to be better. I need to be better.

it's only a matter of time

"you're all gonna wonder how you ever thought you could live so large and leave so little for the rest of us"

let her under your skin

"you said 'so go.' with such disdain, you know?"

makin' out, we got the radio on

It's funny how you just break down, waiting on some sign 

I pull up to the front of your driveway with magic soaking my spine 

his heart was a stone

I must admit, I still think about you a lot.
Do you still think about me?

nothing there all along

I'm thinking about the first day we met and how you looked when you looked up at me

just as a reminder to myself

we just want the fuckin' credit where it's due

imma worry bout me, give a fuck about chu

now that it's over

I can't stop thinking about you

(and also I hate you)

please

give a little time to me

nu yeah

how can you not want me 

(when I want you so badly)

But if you wanna leave take good care,
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there.

#pplatenomore

one whole year ago 

but they just disappeared

the fool on the hill

Gonna just be a quick one, I feel that I need to pen down my thoughts and or explain the constant whining about this and that. I'm so sick of feeling so sentimental about something that was really nothing. I'm going out of my mind with this bullshit. I wish I wasn't so easily bored, I wish I was the kind of person who was easily satisfied. Even more than that, I wish I was a good person. But I'm not, and here we are, never going to see each other again. Can't say that I didn't see this coming. We both know that there were really only two chances to ever see each other again.. and both of them have now come and gone. It's okay, because neither of us really wanted that to happen. Mysteries of life and whatever other bullshit right? Right. This would never have been real. It was foolish of me to believe even in the slightest that I had stumbled into something true. It makes me sad to think about it, because despite that story I tell myself, we used to be pretty close. When I think of all that time we actually spent together.. well. I'm almost impressed because that's just way too much time to put in for whatever superficial shit this turned out to be. RIGHT O. I know I'm just being overly sentimental.. If I had kept a clear head from the start, I would've been smarter about it. I mean, I told myself that I wasn't getting into it.. but please. Even I'm not that heartless, despite what you think. Well. Just gotta live and let it be, I suppose. What is life without a little harmless fun? Right O.

no point being sentimental, cos

it never even mattered, right from the start

you don't need nobody else

all I want is

that slow fadeeeeee

how deep is your love?

The last two weeks have been a blur of wine and house parties and more wine and questionable messages and sake and wine and bad decisions and wine. So much wine. From christmas house parties with the usual, to the never ending birthday celebrations like bruh, how many times do I need to celebrate this shit? My body is now 24. Ugh. I know we are still young but I somehow believe that we are indeed coming to the end of our prime. I hate that we just cannot do anything about it. Ugh. Whatever. I feel like I'm trying to force myself to feel something about whatever happened in that weird sake haze. I even feel like I was tryna force myself to feel something then, other than like oh, so this is happening. I mean like, how many million times do we need to have this fucking conversation. I'm so fucking over trying to apologize for something that happened a million years ago. Like, I really get it. I would be the exact same fucking way if I were you. But I'm not you.. nobody is. This is going to be the last fucking time I talk about this so I'm just gonna get it all out there. I just don't give a fuck anymore. I reckon this was how you felt circa 2015 when I was desperately reaching out for you when you were no longer there. And no, we don't need to talk about what happened because it just doesn't fucking matter anymore. I'm so over bitches tryna force it down my throat.. like, it just doesn't fucking matter. None of this matters. None of us matter.. not enough anyway. I learnt this shit the hard way. None of us are special. I wanna say I've been burnt before, but I know I would be being dramatic.. but I still kind of feel that way. There was a time when I believed in the One, in genuine feelings, in the ultimate idea, in that happy ending. But now, all I see out there are false intentions, vengeful words and these stupid meaningless games.. and all for what? For the meaningless attention, the empty affection, the misleading sense of victory and pride that comes with flirting with someone absolutely fucking fleeting. I'm over it. I'm over all of it. I'm just done with all this fake shit.