how deep is your love?

The last two weeks have been a blur of wine and house parties and more wine and questionable messages and sake and wine and bad decisions and wine. So much wine. From christmas house parties with the usual, to the never ending birthday celebrations like bruh, how many times do I need to celebrate this shit? My body is now 24. Ugh. I know we are still young but I somehow believe that we are indeed coming to the end of our prime. I hate that we just cannot do anything about it. Ugh. Whatever. I feel like I'm trying to force myself to feel something about whatever happened in that weird sake haze. I even feel like I was tryna force myself to feel something then, other than like oh, so this is happening. I mean like, how many million times do we need to have this fucking conversation. I'm so fucking over trying to apologize for something that happened a million years ago. Like, I really get it. I would be the exact same fucking way if I were you. But I'm not you.. nobody is. This is going to be the last fucking time I talk about this so I'm just gonna get it all out there. I just don't give a fuck anymore. I reckon this was how you felt circa 2015 when I was desperately reaching out for you when you were no longer there. And no, we don't need to talk about what happened because it just doesn't fucking matter anymore. I'm so over bitches tryna force it down my throat.. like, it just doesn't fucking matter. None of this matters. None of us matter.. not enough anyway. I learnt this shit the hard way. None of us are special. I wanna say I've been burnt before, but I know I would be being dramatic.. but I still kind of feel that way. There was a time when I believed in the One, in genuine feelings, in the ultimate idea, in that happy ending. But now, all I see out there are false intentions, vengeful words and these stupid meaningless games.. and all for what? For the meaningless attention, the empty affection, the misleading sense of victory and pride that comes with flirting with someone absolutely fucking fleeting. I'm over it. I'm over all of it. I'm just done with all this fake shit.