golden days

some things don't change

not the kind to kiss and tell

Merry Christmas is right. Boxing day has left me feeling a little blue and so very tired from all the drinking and merriment. As usual, I'm ever grateful for everything that we have.. and we have so much. Am so so lucky that we are able to enjoy ourselves, be merry and spend time together. The last week before the holidays has been tricky. In fact, the last couple of months have been pretty tricky.. in my head at least. But that last week tho.. I have no words for this bizarre situation. I don't know how I ended up trusting you so much but.. well. Just don't let me down. My head is spinning from how serious everything suddenly became. I can't say I'm still that same weary girl from before.. because somehow I've really grown into myself and us. I don't and won't let anything get in the way of this.. but at the same time, I'm terrified of the notion that this could be it. How fucking charming am I? I can tell you're trying so hard.. and I really appreciate it. Like I can really tell the difference from now and circa 2014 when we were both just going through the motions, post japan. For now all I know is.. I won't give this up without a fight, even if it means giving up other... things. Well. It's about time for that anyway (I know I've said this before). The difference is so stark, the difference between the real and the superficial. I don't know him very well at all, but what I know is this: if a person really liked someone else, they wouldn't speak or act this way. Yes, it truly depends as well on how the person reacts to you and how much they can take. But there are simply some lines you definitely wouldn't cross if you genuinely liked somebody. And I'm okay with this whole situation thing now, because I finally understand enough to at least be on the same kind of page, instead of expecting more from someone who has no genuine intentions. All mixed messages and weird paranoia aside, I think it was a good (albeit unnecessary) lesson in how I handle myself, how I come across to people and also, to just be weary about people's intentions. I'm definitely not trying to play victim here, because I know I've not been good. I'm just trying to sound this out enough for me to be okay with it. Right. 

I want your love & I want your revenge

finally got you all figured out 

running on my mind, boy

I guess everything fades away. It was only a matter of time really. First day of the rest of forever.. that I'm stuck here anyway. Well. Back to that same stable life. I don't need that kind of excitement anyway.. but I want it. I just want it to be ambiguous and fun foreverrrr... but nooooo real life and grabby hands and shiz. But as with life, everything and everyone moves on. and up. The good thing is that I get to live vicariously through other people having good jobs and new opportunities and stepping out of their comfort zones and shit. So sad. I hate being at the bottom so much. Sigh. I don't know what to say about this anymore. I'm actually so comfortable and free and anonymous now that you're not around.. like I don't feel so obligated and self conscious. But at the same time, I'm actually pretty sad to be losing someone that I had some kind of a connection with. I guess that doesnt come around as often as one would think.. but aiya, it wasn't all that great either. But also like, how do bitches move past whatever happened and still be like.. acquaintances? Well. I can't deny that I keep thinking of that one tender moment, a soft blur in my memory.. if only for a second. Am I even making sense anymore? my mind keeps hovering between that image of your face leaning in towards mine.. and just completely forgetting what you look like. Hurdy hur. Life.

a tornado flew around my room

literally can't stop thinking about you like omfg stop.

I can't get it started on my own

Note to self: don't give up something real for something fleeting and meaningless. My mind is in a right mess. Could be the illness, or it could be the fact that an end is fast approaching. I think it's safe to say that I have definitely over-romanticized this entire ordeal in my head. I can see now that I was simply swept up by the idea that someone thought I was special.. or at least, that's what I wanted so desperately to believe. Reality is as cold as I remember. It's fine really, it's not that I didn't see it coming and it's not that I believed it could go anywhere. I knew the only way it could end was to have it quietly fade away as if it was an embarrassing oversight. So that's that then. It's fine. It's about time anyway we all see that nobody is special and that everybody is exactly the same. Right O. Anyway, it's stupid of me to let anything or anyone distract me from what I have now. I know it's fucked up to say this now but.. I'm so grateful to have what I have. Thank you for looking after me and looking out for me, even if it's in the simplest of ways. You're so real to me. You're so real to me. You're so so real to me.

so sick of this same old love

An interesting, albeit lazy weekend spent getting to know some old friends better, contemplating the words of new friends and of course, in bed with bae. Interesting times spent at an adult event, doing adult things with adult people. I don't know what to take away from all of this except 1) I really want to have a fancy Chinese wedding, although I know everyone is so cynical about it. I have yet to reach that stage in my life, so as of now, I still really really want that. 2) Being around actual adults only reinforced the fact that we are seriously children. 3) I have absolutely no answer to "so when is it your turn?" LOL. Sooooo that's enough of that. On an unrelated note, it's break up season all around. I find my cynicism rearing it's ugly head again. The fact of the matter is, nobody I know deserves this shit.. but it just keeps getting shovelled at them. People are just the worst. I know, because I am also the fucking worst. It's fucking precious really. I keep wanting to be good, but what's the fucking point of just saying and not acting? I can't even convince myself when I say that I don't have feelings. I mean it's not that I do.. but it's not that I don't. Okay whatever, it's besides the damn point anyway. I know nothing can ever happen (no matter how hard you claw at me) because of a bunch of reasons. Dude, actually I'm not even fully convinced that you're interested. Okay yes I'm crazy and ultra paranoid about these things, but also like.. like that also can? The least you could've done was at least fucking pretended?? I'm not even mad anymore.. although I know I should be. It's fucked up that I felt that I was probably to blame. I mean, maybe you just think that I'm that kind of girl.. even though I fucking told you that I'm not. Which only leads me to wonder.. am I really that kind of girl? You truly didn't strike me as someone who would try to take advantage of anybody like that. I honestly thought you were a decent person, and that's the most disappointing thing. I know I'm always so bad at reading people.. but.... Well. Why have faith? I want so badly to believe that I deserve to meet someone halfway decent. LOL. Every fucking word of that sentence was fucked up. I'm just such a bad person. I want to have everything, at no costs. I know I'm a tease.. but I don't want anyone else to know. I know I'm not honest.. but I want you to believe that I am. And I know it's so wrong but.. I want you to want me. I really really want you to want me. Can you? Will you?