lone ranger ridin'

now you're knocking at my door

If I was scared, I would 

and if I was bored, you know I would 

and if I was yours.. but I'm not

we're wise with the feeling

I don't know where to start, except maybe to say that Zoukout this year was an amazing gift that fell on our laps. I'm surprised that I actually enjoyed myself considering that I'm quite a homebody nowadays.. not to sound like a certain victim we've all gotten too accustomed to dealing with. The last couple of nights have seen me on my back, begging for sleep while my mind zipped it's way through a million imaginary situations. The past is a present I cannot return. The culprit of that one night I sorta-but-no-not-really "snuck out".. is the terrible phenomenon that is residual feelings. Although on hindsight, it's quite a huge change for us to actually have some semblance of conversation. Or physical contact. Or any contact really. It's hard to think that that-time-that-that-thing-that-we-dont-talk-about-happened was two fucking years ago. Does chemistry change after all that shunning and eye rolling and ignoring? Because it really should. Truth be told, I know for a fact that I am overthinking because nothing about you is real. Or at least, nothing about you and me. What it is is simply something that is fleeting and dangerous and sorta sexy and fun and not at all sincere or genuine. Right O. Moving on. I have not received anything and I am not disappointed. I am definitely much much less involved in his life and while I still harbour many negative (and toxic) feelings about him right now, but I still can't help but wonder. I think I need more attention. There's no point talking about morality and all that shit because at this point in my life, it doesn't matter to me. It just was what it was. I don't feel guilty. This isn't about blaming you for not paying attention to me or even blaming myself for wandering. This is simply the way things are in our universe. Or at least, that's how it is to me when I do it. I shudder to think otherwise. I shudder to think of the day I would have to do this without you, however inevitable. The undeniable fact is that you still drive me crazy (in all ways) but no one can know where our paths lie. One can only hope. Or overthink. Or not think at all.

I'll know the way back

Tomorrow I'll be stronger, running colorful 

No longer just in black and white 

But I'm quite alright hiding tonight

spiders in my head

looking for the answers

I guess there are better things in life than my small problems. Sometimes we all just need a break, to step back from your own thoughts and out of your mind into the real world. Not that I'm saying that these worries and paranoias and fucking feelings aren't real. But I think maybe it's time I start to re-evaluate how much importance I put in this and you. Sadly, the fact of it is that I'm simply that kind of girl. I'm the kind of girl that does better when in a pair, that wants every part of someone else and to be everything in their life. And vice versa. Maybe I turned out to be the kind of person that makes someone else their life. But I'm not that big. I can only give so much without any expectations. And after all this time of building and growing into what we have, I'm starting to lose hope. Perhaps it's the effect of time and familiarity and whatever the hell else, but I'm struggling to hold on to this weaning sense of security. I don't ask for much, only to please not make a fool of me and to be here if you want to be here. I think these are reasonable requests. I'm not a child anymore. I'm learning to be more matured and more sane.. and that's exactly why I think I need to step back and just. There are bigger and better things and places and fuck, even people to think about. The perfect example is pictured above when my family and I travelled to Halong Bay, of all places. A true adventure of remarkable views and perfect weather. But more importantly, the much needed respite came at the most appropriate time. Not because of some silly reason like being a test of time and space and whatever lame thing I would've believed when I was younger, but simply because it was a good break from my constant worrying about and borderline obsession with this. Or whatever.

I didn't want to be the one to forget

where you once belonged

My life is constantly on the move. Everyone assumes that I have nothing better to do with my life and time because I'm funemployed but that's not true at all. In between rolling around in bed, getting mah nails did, driving, coffee, afternoon drinks and meaningful conversations, I barely have time to think or worry about anything. Like my future. In spite of the disappointment, I still have hope that things will work out in some way or other. But back to the now, my days are short and hectic. The nights are slow and relaxing. But maybe I have a skewed point of view right now because I just got back from a holiday. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I am very lucky and endlessly grateful for all that I have. And though nothing lasts forever, I can't help but want to fully appreciate everything.