we're wise with the feeling

I don't know where to start, except maybe to say that Zoukout this year was an amazing gift that fell on our laps. I'm surprised that I actually enjoyed myself considering that I'm quite a homebody nowadays.. not to sound like a certain victim we've all gotten too accustomed to dealing with. The last couple of nights have seen me on my back, begging for sleep while my mind zipped it's way through a million imaginary situations. The past is a present I cannot return. The culprit of that one night I sorta-but-no-not-really "snuck out".. is the terrible phenomenon that is residual feelings. Although on hindsight, it's quite a huge change for us to actually have some semblance of conversation. Or physical contact. Or any contact really. It's hard to think that that-time-that-that-thing-that-we-dont-talk-about-happened was two fucking years ago. Does chemistry change after all that shunning and eye rolling and ignoring? Because it really should. Truth be told, I know for a fact that I am overthinking because nothing about you is real. Or at least, nothing about you and me. What it is is simply something that is fleeting and dangerous and sorta sexy and fun and not at all sincere or genuine. Right O. Moving on. I have not received anything and I am not disappointed. I am definitely much much less involved in his life and while I still harbour many negative (and toxic) feelings about him right now, but I still can't help but wonder. I think I need more attention. There's no point talking about morality and all that shit because at this point in my life, it doesn't matter to me. It just was what it was. I don't feel guilty. This isn't about blaming you for not paying attention to me or even blaming myself for wandering. This is simply the way things are in our universe. Or at least, that's how it is to me when I do it. I shudder to think otherwise. I shudder to think of the day I would have to do this without you, however inevitable. The undeniable fact is that you still drive me crazy (in all ways) but no one can know where our paths lie. One can only hope. Or overthink. Or not think at all.