lone ranger ridin'

The last week of celebrations and wine have been truly lovely, beginning with house visits and ending of course, with my house for the big 2 3. Meh. Spending this entire weekend together was truly lovely and much needed in the face of late night texts and seemingly sober calls and the constant checking of the mail. Perhaps I just want to be disappointed. Well. The biggest revelation of all this week came while sitting down with my bestest friend, talking about ourselves and our pasts and seeing how far we've come. I think I've known for years now, but have only finally come to accept this as fact: you do not love me anymore. Well, that only took me like.. seven years to figure out. Rewind to catching up with said bestest friend over coffee (hawhawhaw) and despite the clear efforts in reaching out to each other, absolutely nothing was happening. For the first time EVER, I left with the feeling that I can't ever see myself being with you again. Let me first say that this is entirely independent of my current status. A lot of this stems from two years ago, when it was me + you + whatever other drunk mistake I was making that night. The entire period was a blur of fuzzy nights being drunk and young and the fact that you were always there, but I clearly remember laying in bed when you said that I was "special to you" but also that you were not interested in being with me. Fast forward a year and it's me + you @ zouk and I'm standing there thinking, wtf are you doing here this is a huge mistake. I'm sorry. I have changed a lot in the last couple of years, but also I haven't changed at all. I think you understand that the most. What I love about you is how non-judgemental and simple you are, but that's also the reason why you're fucking emotionally unavailable. For the last few years, every time you came back, every fucking time we fell back together, I had harboured this undying and fucking stupid hope that somewhere deep down inside you, behind the wall of emotional nothingness, that you still had feelings for me. That you still wanted to be with me but that circumstances and life got in the way. So many times, I dropped almost everything to be with you and only now do I truly see that you're simply a fucking selfish person. I don't blame you for using me. Everyone does it. I get that. But considering I'm apparently so fucking special to you, the least you could've done was be honest with me and saved me from all of that emotional back and forth with someone who didn't love me. I know you loved me way back when and I understand now that you're not the same person as me and that I can't expect you to love me the same way I love you. You are the kind of person that simply is not capable of loving someone in that capacity. That's just the kind of person you are. The kind of person that leaves the moment things get rough, that gets uncomfortable when feelings are involved. Your saving grace is that you're honest and non-vindictive in intentions and as much as it sucked for me way back when, that makes you someone worth having around. At the end of the day, I'm neither mad nor heartbroken. Although it's the first time I've truly felt that someone doesn't love me anymore, I have come to terms with it. I enjoy our friendship, even if it's limited and superficial or whatever. In fact, I'm happy that I am finally free of those demons and false hopes.