just to relive the start

Just some of our antics in the preceding weeks. Feels like it's been forever since I've had some alone time, mostly because it truly has been. Tonight I am snuggled in bed (alone) whilst they make merry in the kitchen. It's amazing how strangely busy we are doing everything and nothing. I have not learnt to be alone. In fact, I am so used to never being alone now I wonder how I've been doing it all along. I dread having to go home. Some part of me wishes to remain forever in our little vacuum of hobo-ness and never getting out of bed and generally being little kids and looking after each other. But most part of me can't ignore the facts of our real lives and the likelihood of things getting weird when we get back. Still, I can't help but feel wistful even being here in this moment. If ever I am reading back on this (for whatever happens in the future), I must now state that this all stems from the accidental drunk night, when words and other gross things spilled out of your mouth like a fountain. I can't understand boys and their jealousy, especially since SAYS YOU. Kaskade nights are always epic. Flashback to you sitting on the cold floor whining at me like a little kid with emotional transparency only a drunk person could muster while I did everything I could to make it better. Skip over all the things you said (because why bother) and fast forward to the sneaky morning after and the new look in your eyes. Maybe I am simply being naive. Maybe I want too badly to believe that I am stronger than you. The truth is I can pretend all I want that it's the vacuum of time and space that has fostered this but ego aside, I know that I made this choice too. I chose to not be alone with you, I chose to feign ignorance every single time your phone rang, I chose those drunken nights and those sober ones too and I chose to look after you. The older I get and the more I've been through, the more inclined I feel to give more than I get. This has to end somewhere. I wonder where because (apparently) I've made my choices. #wishyouwerehere


in between the covers of another perfect wonder
and it's all white as snow