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the roads I knew became a city

and I wonder, will you wait for me?

let's roll just like we used to

Greetings from the Netherlands! The above is our solo weekend trip to London for fun and folly, if you know what I mean. Thank god for friends. Last weekend's distance have been more than made up for with a deadly question I was too proud to admit to. This vacuum of time and space thing is such a double-edged sword. An endless string of languid, cosy nights doing everything and absolutely nothing. As per my life, words that were spoken in the heat of the champagne have not and will probably not be revisited. I'm not sure if running to London like spoilt kids was a smart or dumb choice. On one hand, it was truly lovely finally having the time to explore places outside of the city but on the other hand (you have different fingers), spending that kind of time together is always an invitation for trouble ie dirty beds and dirty streets. Well, at least showers are clean. Lol. I don't even know anymore. I'm so tired of pretending not to see or know things and tired of acting as if the fact that you have your own life doesn't bother me the way that it does, especially when I suddenly find myself abandoned at the sidewalk only to hide in a cafe to make an overseas confession. The next two weeks brings more than just the usual anxiety of being away from home-ish because of the involvement of the third factor. Well actually that would be me hahaha no. The problem is I have this notion that nothing beats having something to come home to. Case in point: the day away after the day you took a look into my real life. I'm beginning to question the meaning of too close for comfort because there is no such thing as too comfortable. Amazingly (and I say this with genuine surprise), you've been running through my mind like a little white rabbit set into the wild. I have screwed myself over either way. I know that everything will all melt away when winter turns into hot burning summer, despite what your eyes say or the way you stroke my hair because that is simply the way that Life is. But because I (still) have no sense of being an adult and thinking of long term considerations, the one question on my mind is: what happens in springtime?


Here comes the morning where I'll say goodbye
But I won't turn around cos the reason is treason

you're so fucking naive

I don't know what I'm doing and where this is going or what exactly you think of me or this. All I know is that I have screwed myself over once again and there's no easy way out from here.

we met with a goodbye kiss

From the club to my room:
languid nights and lazy afternoons
that mean absolutely nothing

all of love is fleeting

This is the difference a day makes. Distance makes the heart grow weak. On the other hand, happiness is when one pretty much finalizes travel plans (#europe2013), coupled with an accidental shopping spree and time with girls. It's funny how easily my vision is clouded by languid nights. Some time away and a bitching session to kick me back into a more true state of mind. I say more true because that is what it is: the truth. Your actual life is the truth. What is here is merely now. I used to wonder how you could handle your old ass baggage but now I realize that your baggage handles you. *whh-chhh. Sometimes I really wonder why I am so easily duped into believing in people and what they portray themselves to be. Flashback to the times you refused to cave in and when you believed that, and I quote: "when you've been through enough, you'll understand how to control yourself". It's ironic because someone controls you. This is a lesson to be learnt for all never to hold on too tight to something because it will go crazy on someone significantly younger than thou. *whh-chh. Ha ha. Okay I should stop. I truly wonder now how quickly things would disintegrate when we get back. I say quickly because it is a sure fucking deal. The fucked up part is that this doesn't make me feel the least bit cruel, just a little sore. Okay, a little extremely sore. Still, I can't help but wonder: how different am I? From past experiences, these things only go two ways: extremely different or extremely similar. I can only hope it isn't the latter, that would make me feel more bad about myself than I already do. I should really stop now. Snuggled in bed alone now, I recognize this feeling. This feeling of longing and wonder. Been there, done that.


He's just looking for something new,
I've said it once before but it bears repeating

just to relive the start

Just some of our antics in the preceding weeks. Feels like it's been forever since I've had some alone time, mostly because it truly has been. Tonight I am snuggled in bed (alone) whilst they make merry in the kitchen. It's amazing how strangely busy we are doing everything and nothing. I have not learnt to be alone. In fact, I am so used to never being alone now I wonder how I've been doing it all along. I dread having to go home. Some part of me wishes to remain forever in our little vacuum of hobo-ness and never getting out of bed and generally being little kids and looking after each other. But most part of me can't ignore the facts of our real lives and the likelihood of things getting weird when we get back. Still, I can't help but feel wistful even being here in this moment. If ever I am reading back on this (for whatever happens in the future), I must now state that this all stems from the accidental drunk night, when words and other gross things spilled out of your mouth like a fountain. I can't understand boys and their jealousy, especially since SAYS YOU. Kaskade nights are always epic. Flashback to you sitting on the cold floor whining at me like a little kid with emotional transparency only a drunk person could muster while I did everything I could to make it better. Skip over all the things you said (because why bother) and fast forward to the sneaky morning after and the new look in your eyes. Maybe I am simply being naive. Maybe I want too badly to believe that I am stronger than you. The truth is I can pretend all I want that it's the vacuum of time and space that has fostered this but ego aside, I know that I made this choice too. I chose to not be alone with you, I chose to feign ignorance every single time your phone rang, I chose those drunken nights and those sober ones too and I chose to look after you. The older I get and the more I've been through, the more inclined I feel to give more than I get. This has to end somewhere. I wonder where because (apparently) I've made my choices. #wishyouwerehere


in between the covers of another perfect wonder
and it's all white as snow

your guilt is fucking precious

you say life isn't that hard

Just a quick one, as always. The past week was spent slogging over exams like typical asians, only to be let loose to truly party like it's free. An accidental drunk night at the club where I spent half the time trying to convince myself not to care. Maybe I should take this as learning how to not be jealous the extremely fucking hard and retarded way. Ha. Pictures to follow.. but not to be tagged of course. Ha ha ha. If you can't handle it, just don't do it. I don't fucking understand why people do these things.. except I actually do and that's fucked up. I actually understand: everything and anything can and will be attributed to this vacuum of time and space. That is all. What is here is here and now. What you have at home is real and "right". And that's fucked up but I actually get it and it makes me question what exactly it is that I want in life. I think I want what I've always wanted which is to settle down and enjoy my life but I simply don't know how. As you can tell. I don't know why I'm so nice and considerate to the way you feel and what you wanna eat when clearly you, nor anyone else for that matter, respects the way I could feel. What is the point of your guilt? Just keep that shit to yourself, seriously. Anyway. More importantly, our antics were followed with a trip to the shopping village and then a lovely weekend at the seaside. Weston-super-mare, a quaint seaside town for relaxing the mind and heart. Time here is running quick and I'm scared because I know I don't have much to go home to. Not to mention how weird and awkward it would be. No, scratch that. How weird and awkward I would make it. Oh who am I tryna kid? I'm actually too nice to be weird and awkward about it, like how I am simply too nice to be inconsiderate to your feelings the way you are inconsiderate to mine. Sometimes I think that maybe, actually, I'm pretty stupid after all.


Did they get you to trade your heros for ghosts?

I couldn't be your friend

If you can't handle it, then just don't do it. It is truly as simple as that.