that is all

I really hope you get better

our lives went by so fast

I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
where i laid and told you, but you swear you loved me more

it's not right, but it's okay

A lot of issues (exes) resurfacing in my life right now. Well, I guess we should start with the happiest one. I love that my kitty always appears when it should and fulfills it's post of facilitating semi-awkward next-to-car conversations all year round. Ha. A surprising night, I must say, of wine and Maroon 5. My wrist hurts like a bitch now. Awoke in the morning still drunk and got yelled at to drive up to maccerz for breakfast. It was truly pleasant actually having conversations and what not. Right now, I feel perfectly fine because feelings ruin everything and we clearly don't share them. I was however, going out of my head thinking about you a little bit but that's purely physical. Alright then. This fucking month really proved that I know when things are a bad idea (ie please, it won't even show) I just do them anyway because my life is still a goddamn mess. I still live like I did when I was 16, acting out of rebellion and anger and the constant need to best others by ruining myself. The sinking feeling in my stomach when they told me and I read what I read. And although it is fucking painful for me, I still stand by what I said which that ultimately, I will be happy for you if you get what you've always wanted because I love you so much. But I'm not as big as you are, I don't know how to be. The truth is it hurts not just my pride, but me. Is everything I believed in just an illusion? I'm not so naive, I am not referring to what you and I may have said when we were together. I am talking about all the times you were there when I needed you. Through the faithlessness and hopelessness and darkness of life, you were the only thing in my life that was real (how fucking pathetic is that). But now I can't help but wonder: Did you even care or was I simply a victim of yet another of your sick schemes? This isn't about my pride as it is about the fact that without you, I have nothing to hold on to. Nothing else in my fucking life is real. Not even you now. It's sick the way my mind works. I am paranoid about everything and I am always fucking right, but I never want to believe it until proven otherwise. And when it happens (and it always fucking does), I instantly do something (or someone) self-destructive as some sick fucking revenge when I am hurting no one but myself. In my panic-stricken state, I began to wonder if maybe I've been wrong all along. That you're the one who ruined my life and he's the one that's somehow supposed to make it worth it. I fucking hate him for what he did. I hate him for ruining it. Because as much as things between us will always turn to shit, I know that somewhere inside me I wasn't ready to let it go. In between blinding rage and jealousy, I have these moments of weaknesses when I think maybe I'm making a mistake. Ah but what the fuck do I know? Clearly, there's nothing in my past that I have ever truly let go.


All we know is falling

AND YOUR PAST WILL LET GO OF YOU

I want to cry, I want to steal
a little ray of perfect sunshine from the sun above the hill.
I want to laugh, I want to smile.
Get your arms inside my head, stop me thinking for a while
I'm just a fool, hung on a sting.

in your room, in my room

This last week begun with the extremely scary realization that I only had about 3.5 weeks left actually in Singapore before I am unwillingly whisked away to my great.. adventure? Hurhur. The last few days have seen me more calm, save for what I can only assume is PMS. This notion of being a "good person" is something that continues to puzzle me, especially since the bar just keeps getting set lower and lower. Things that may have helped: accept, deny or apologize. Things he did: pretending nothing happened, stalking, sitting down. What a fucking dumbass. Seriously though, ain't nobody got time for that. Moving on. The Singapore food trail has begun and now I am fat again ): Every morning I wake up praying for the disease because well, this really is the worst possible time to be late. Hurhur. Spent a lot of quality time with the girls this week not sitting around talking about our problems (boys) but having fun, bitching about everything and pretty much getting raped on (single) ladies night. I don't know what it is about my life that attracts such ridiculous drama ie why are you guize such bitches. Why cannot. Saturday night pretty much began in the smoking room, slurring words of adoration about a boy who has always been, and unfortunately will always be, the love of my life. Much later when I pushed those thoughts out of my heavy head and when the champagne kicked in and thy appeared out of nowhere, it was like yeah sure why not. Is it weird that I don't even feel anything anymore? Perhaps it's because I expected it to happen from when she first left. Also I am actually surprised at just how much of a douchebag I actually am, wearing my wrist ache like a motherfucking prize. Idiot. It's also quite amazing to see the progress of my emotional healing from the last few times this happened, that is something I am truly proud of. And as much as there is still a gap in things between us, I still feel really comfortable because everything is strangely friendly. Right now, I'm okay.


who do boys like they're girls
who do girls like they're boys

on my way to heaven

I am so lucky to have met you and that at some point of time in our lives, we have shared and built a life and love together. There is really nobody as amazing and as big as you are to me. And although having lost what we had is something truly devastating to me, even after all this time, I am so incredibly grateful that you still find ways to help me through the darkest days. I only wish I could do the same for you but I can't offer anything except to say that I am and will always be thinking about you.

A king of everything and nothing

I'm always here, I'm in denial

When there's nothing left between us

I will stay another while

You know you're free

You've got your wings

And I am just another angel

I swear you emerged blinking into

The most tiring weekend ever but just the perfect thing to help forget about life. The weekdays before and after were spent slogging but such is life. Epic times with amazing music, good friends, peacocks and of course, our fair share of drama. And the good two or so hours that I blacked out and went to a weirdly sandy paradise (i think) for a bit. Major Lazer, Kaskade, Above and Beyond (ha), Calvin Harris and Paul Van Dyke (ha ha). Surprisingly, I had a lot more fun than I had anticipated. Now that things have simmered, I shall attempt to log the trials and tribulations of recent events. Firstly, I have come to realize that retribution is something you cannot run from, no matter how good you are. See also: here when I was angry and thoughts were exploding out of my head, only to make way for visuals so vivid I may as well have been there. Can't believe you don't at least have the decency to not get caught. Fucking faggot cunt. What he did was not a mistake, it is a way of life. I know because that's how I live. I bet neither of us thought we would see the day this truly ended. I always carried around a paranoia but I was never prepared to be embarrassed like that. I am humiliated and angry but also relieved that this is finally over. Which brings us to the next thing and back to the main point because, surprise surprise, I am stuck in an extremely ironic shit cycle of boys who are idiots. The epic "he has a girlfriend" moment where we gasped, looked at each other and just exploded into laughter. Perfect. That then brings me to the next one.. I hate having feelings, although I'm weirdly certain that this one is also another idiot. But I've also come to learn that sometimes it isn't about what happens, but about what could happen that makes it enough. Oh well. Nothing will ever come close to the most important one. The truth is I still need you. I cannot thank you enough for everything. Words aren't enough to express how much respect I have for you. As it is, I am furious and bitter about something so much smaller than what I put you through, I can't imagine how big a person you must be to be who you are. I may not have faith in people and in life but if there's one thing that may get me through, is that I will always believe in you.


I turn the music up, I'm on a roll this time
and heaven is in sight

never get over you

Saturday nights in neon lights,
Sunday in the cell.
Pills enough to make me feel ill,
Cash enough to make me well

you would never

Yesterday in a state of epic confusion, I made my way to our old stomping grounds in the scorching afternoon heat. I don't know what I was thinking or where you would be on a Tuesday afternoon. I didn't find you so I walked everywhere to make myself seen so that somewhere somehow maybe someone would tell you that they saw me and how lost I looked. "It seemed like she was looking for you" they would tell you. And maybe you would somehow know that I was lost and that I needed you. I don't know what I would have done if we did meet. I just know that merely being around you would somehow help me understand what I am going through. I miss you.

to help you forget your ex

what did you expect from post break-up sex?

#1000

I clearly use this space way too often. This is actually the #1000 post #thisiswhyidonthavefriends. It's been a weirdly disappointing week. I may never love again.. and it doesn't even bother me anymore. Such a far cry from 2009 when we held the world in our hands. First of all, boys have pregnancy brain like, all the time. It's not so much of a disappointment as it is a sad victory that I am always right about these things. But nothing compares to the next one. The thing is, I'm not so sure if I am filled with disgust because I truly disapprove or because of loyalty. Everybody says it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learnt from them.. but how many are you allowed to make before its not okay? I run on this belief that I can do it to you but you better not do it to me.. and I have. Again. And I don't feel bad. I just don't. Does it make me a bad person to forgive myself for what I did years ago? Because I have. Once again, I'm back to my faithlessness (see also: 2011). The problem with love is that it is so easily confused with trying to possess and own someone. Although, I simply can't imagine how I would feel to be at the receiving end. I remember how my imagination and paranoia used to keep me up circa 2010 after I did what I did that made me realize how easy it is to slip up, no matter how much you treasure what you have. It's precisely because I know how tempting it is that I am truly fucking paranoid. It's not so much about my self-worth as it is being realistic that nobody is 100% faithful or truthful. Which brings us back to the perennial question: what's the fucking point? Nobody belongs to anybody, no matter what we want to believe. I miss when we were younger and didn't have to think of these things. When you're young and constantly angry, you love fiercely and so stupidly. I miss that. And you. Sigh. It's not so much that I don't believe in love because I do. I know it exists and I even believe in the One and all that crap. It's just that I don't believe in relationships and in people.


Love,
I've had enough of you tonight