I was worthy, I was

Nights I shouldn't be having. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time, juggling between my life and my work and my head. It's surprisingly easy to pick work over everything cos sometimes, life is just too fucking hard. People are too cruel.. or well, you're kind of just an asshole. My ego is smarting but I'd have to settle for comforting myself with the fact that I'm sure I hurt yours first. Whatever la. The best part is, all of these assholes one kind. Everybody just wants what they can't have, no matter how small or frivolous the power struggle is. Meh. I wonder if I will ever get rid of him at this rate. The ultimate back-up plan ha ha ha. Why is it so difficult to have something that doesn't make me wanna kill everybody? I give up. In four months, I'll be gone for four months. Running off to... I don't even know. Frolic in the rain? Play in the snow? Hate life from a different continent? I'm not ready for this. Ironically, I was just telling myself how useful the gap year turned out to be, in the sense that my life feels more stable now than it did a year ago. I feel significantly less reckless, less of a mess in a dress. Sadly, I'm beginning to feel more jaded than ever before. Between the string of assholes and the constant reminder that I've already lost the only one that's ever even mattered to me.. I truly wonder, what's the point at all?

you'll only have an amount of time

before the city swallows you whole