here is the deepest secret nobody knows

There is an ocean of ache within me. I lie here now, paralyzed by these thoughts of you and how far apart our lives have carried us. My being tormented by the fact that every breath accumulates more distance between us and what it used to be. I'm crazy but you've made me this way. Nothing and no one has the ability to drive me to this point like these thoughts do. It's like I have this wild sphere of darkness constrained in my core that only you have the key to. When unleashed, it explodes inside me and forces through my blood like sludge and sweeps through my skin like a disease. I've grown weary from your absence but I know this is simply the way things are. I hate being without you. I especially the hate evenings when the setting sun paints the town sky a brilliant orange and my mind inevitably reverts to our youth. I spend my time chasing a ghost of a boy around my head like a maniac. I'm sorry. This is why I just can't invest in anything else. I just can't deal with the end. I just can't bring myself to believe in anything. It's too much. Take this motherfucker for example. I really should've seen it coming. I told myself to screw it cos that was what I wanted in that moment. The comfort I was longing for encapsulated in the idiot sleeping soundly next to me in a drunken stupor. Only the morning after saw me reeling and now I am seething at his lack of promise. What's new. He's like the cat that comes around when it pleases and sits outside my gate meowing for hours on end for attention it can't have, only to leave when the morning breaks to do whatever the hell it is that cats do. This is reason number two why I just can't try anymore.

I'll let it pass and hold my tongue

and you will think that I've moved on