"We'll always have Paris"

it's not over tonight

Oh Adam, no one is as perfect as you. Everybody judges me when I tell them I literally burst into tears when the first lines of Won't Go Home Without You came on.. it's just something I would probably never get over. A long, eventful day that made me really wonder what living overseas would be like, especially somewhere as random as Birmingham. Here I'm used to doing a million things at once, there I would have to get used to... snow. Some parts of the day got me wondering what it would be like if things were still the way they were. Well it is Maroon 5 after all, it's almost like a mandatory nostalgia. I remember it like it was just yesterday.. quietly holding hands around friends, exchanging knowing looks cos sometimes words don't matter and ending a long day with each other. I guess the memory doesn't seem so distant partly because the last time really wasn't that long ago. Something about it feels both fresh yet familiar to me now. #nostalgia. At the moment, I'm content with what we have. It's come to a place where I don't have to prove to anybody the way I feel and what it is. So that's good.. although it did literally take years and a couple backslides to get here. And as it is it's already the least psychotic one.. I can't even imagine the shit I'd have to put up with for the next few to follow. I've grown tired of this game, this nagging insecurity that comes attached to the thought of you, this constant yearning for more. The fucked up part is I'm probably as obsessed with you as you are with me, which is really only when its convenient, easy, boring or when I remember you exist. I'm not interested in playing games; I just want everything. But then I remember that I'd rather have a stroke and die than get back together with you. Well.

baby, give me one more night

baby, the fact is

you're hearing rumors about meand you can't stomach the thoughtof someone touching my bodywhen you're so close to my heart

we're better off

the biggest lie I tell myself is: maybe it'll be different this time

I was worthy, I was

Nights I shouldn't be having. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time, juggling between my life and my work and my head. It's surprisingly easy to pick work over everything cos sometimes, life is just too fucking hard. People are too cruel.. or well, you're kind of just an asshole. My ego is smarting but I'd have to settle for comforting myself with the fact that I'm sure I hurt yours first. Whatever la. The best part is, all of these assholes one kind. Everybody just wants what they can't have, no matter how small or frivolous the power struggle is. Meh. I wonder if I will ever get rid of him at this rate. The ultimate back-up plan ha ha ha. Why is it so difficult to have something that doesn't make me wanna kill everybody? I give up. In four months, I'll be gone for four months. Running off to... I don't even know. Frolic in the rain? Play in the snow? Hate life from a different continent? I'm not ready for this. Ironically, I was just telling myself how useful the gap year turned out to be, in the sense that my life feels more stable now than it did a year ago. I feel significantly less reckless, less of a mess in a dress. Sadly, I'm beginning to feel more jaded than ever before. Between the string of assholes and the constant reminder that I've already lost the only one that's ever even mattered to me.. I truly wonder, what's the point at all?

you'll only have an amount of time

before the city swallows you whole

then I wonder, will you wait for me?

Though I'm far away

I know I'll stay, I know I'll stay

Right there with you

And though it might be too late

What would you say? What would you say?

What would you do?

I've been trying to be where you are

At the end of the days and months and years, I have never met anybody who is a bigger and better person than you are. Don't get lost out there. xx

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

There is an ocean of ache within me. I lie here now, paralyzed by these thoughts of you and how far apart our lives have carried us. My being tormented by the fact that every breath accumulates more distance between us and what it used to be. I'm crazy but you've made me this way. Nothing and no one has the ability to drive me to this point like these thoughts do. It's like I have this wild sphere of darkness constrained in my core that only you have the key to. When unleashed, it explodes inside me and forces through my blood like sludge and sweeps through my skin like a disease. I've grown weary from your absence but I know this is simply the way things are. I hate being without you. I especially the hate evenings when the setting sun paints the town sky a brilliant orange and my mind inevitably reverts to our youth. I spend my time chasing a ghost of a boy around my head like a maniac. I'm sorry. This is why I just can't invest in anything else. I just can't deal with the end. I just can't bring myself to believe in anything. It's too much. Take this motherfucker for example. I really should've seen it coming. I told myself to screw it cos that was what I wanted in that moment. The comfort I was longing for encapsulated in the idiot sleeping soundly next to me in a drunken stupor. Only the morning after saw me reeling and now I am seething at his lack of promise. What's new. He's like the cat that comes around when it pleases and sits outside my gate meowing for hours on end for attention it can't have, only to leave when the morning breaks to do whatever the hell it is that cats do. This is reason number two why I just can't try anymore.

I'll let it pass and hold my tongue

and you will think that I've moved on

can't settle within these walls

"I do not feel good
I've got the sad sads
all I want to do is
fuck you"

- Charles Bukowski

I take it that we're over

A surprisingly productive week, although I can safely say that's gonna be hard to come by now that school is in full swing. I honestly haven't been this stressed out in the longest time; what with the social complications, the crazy competition and overall not really knowing that I'm doing. Winner. No time for feelings and shit this week.. which obviously means I am currently distracting myself with my emotions and what not. First of all, my body needs to make up it's freaking mind cos ain't nobody got time for that. I'm tired and I can feel it in my bones. But of course, it's never purely physical innit? I know on some level I just want what I can't have but right now, I just want it. If he can man the fuck up then come and get it. And if he simply can't or just won't, it's alright too (see also: this) because I know I don't mean it in its entirety. It's this now or never mentality that's screwed me over time and time again yet its one I live by. #life. Lately, I've been feeling like I've been in between for too long. In between being still young and too old. In between freedom and familiarity. In between what I know and what I feel. What I know doesn't change what I feel and what I feel is a longing. A longing for something safe, a pair of arms to lay in, for some reassurance that there's something out there that's real, something better to look forward to. I haven't felt that way in too long. Years. Not surprisingly, when things turned sour closest to home, the first person I wished for was.. well. I know I've said this a million times since but my god do I fucking hate it without you.

I knew that when I met you

I'm not gonna let you run away

Ex Lover

I'll sign on one condition. We skip this. We go to my sleek new surgery and we christen the patients' bed with our final fuck. I know you don't want to..and I know you think I'm sick for asking, but that's what I'm asking. For old times' sake. Because I'm obsessed with you. Because I can't get over you unless... Because I think, on some small level, you owe me something for deceiving me so exquisitely. For all these reasons, I am begging you to give me your body. You'd be my whore. And in return, I will pay you with your liberty. You do this, I swear I will not contact you again.