kissing just for practice

Sitting in bed tonight, my body is aching and my mind is buzzing. I wish I could eradicate this feeling of longing from my being. No, I am not lonely. In fact, I've been having a pretty damn good time by myself and with my friends. Why should I bother myself with something that isn't important enough for you to put in any effort? A+ for trying to turn it around on me; that you take the time to do. Winner. You've cried wolf so many times that who can blame me when I can't find it in me to take you seriously? Call me a narcissist but: Do you honestly think you're ready to give this up? If so, then good for you and good for me. But back to something more significant. I don't know why I do this to myself: look for things I can't handle only to find myself desperately wanting to believe its me when.. its not. I want so fucking badly for it to be me. I just hate it so fucking much without you. The strange thing is that when I really think about that, I don't know what it means. I'm sure you're different, I know I am. I just need to realize the actual distance between us, not just telling myself and everyone that I understand and accept what happened.. because I don't. I can't. In my mind, it's always you and me and the simple life. Except in reality, it's not. I must sound like a fucking psychopath. All these words they just look like a fucking mess.

All I find are souvenirs from better times