my only love sprung from my only hate

Life here and there. With buu having gone back to Perth, it's a little quieter now but we get by. The last couple of weeks have felt like a whirlwind, a fresh burst of energy but not without a fair share of animosity, of course. I can't deny a bitterness on my part against anyone happier than I. Yes, it is selfish and yes it is immature but in general I try to keep in within the confines of myself. Still, things have been pretty peachy. Other times, it just sucks. I don't know how to deal with these dreams, these feelings I can't shake off. Even in my imagined reality, it's too difficult to look you in the eye, too difficult for me to accept the loss. Yes, after all this time. I try to comfort myself with the notion that what I feel is irrelevant in real life and that things have changed too much, Life has moved on too far, that we've come apart too long ago for it to matter anymore. But it does. When I am alone, you shouldn't be surprised to learn that it isn't him that crosses my mind, but you. I've literally been across the world and back and yet I always find that in my mind, I'm always in a cramped apartment with our dreams. What am I saying. In the last few weeks of liberation, I have come to learn that everybody lives desperately clawing at Life searching for someone to give a fuck. And if not, at the very least, to feel close to a person other than oneself. That's why boys talk to girls they're not interested in and girls talk to boys they can't stand. Because everybody's yearning to feel closeness, longing for the comfort that comes with intimacy. Even if its with a stranger. Whether its a shared understand or something as small as an inside joke, that's really all we're looking for.

Too early seen unknown, and known too late

That's just it, isn't it? You and me and him and her and every other person in the world. All anybody wants is to feel that someone cares about them. Someone who cares about what they do and how they do it, cares to check if they're alive, cares to try, cares to show they care. Spend your life caring about everybody so someone would care about you. Even if it's just a little bit.

that evening on the green,

I lay my brains on your lap

and thought,

is this what it's like

to be completely comfortable?

kissing just for practice

Sitting in bed tonight, my body is aching and my mind is buzzing. I wish I could eradicate this feeling of longing from my being. No, I am not lonely. In fact, I've been having a pretty damn good time by myself and with my friends. Why should I bother myself with something that isn't important enough for you to put in any effort? A+ for trying to turn it around on me; that you take the time to do. Winner. You've cried wolf so many times that who can blame me when I can't find it in me to take you seriously? Call me a narcissist but: Do you honestly think you're ready to give this up? If so, then good for you and good for me. But back to something more significant. I don't know why I do this to myself: look for things I can't handle only to find myself desperately wanting to believe its me when.. its not. I want so fucking badly for it to be me. I just hate it so fucking much without you. The strange thing is that when I really think about that, I don't know what it means. I'm sure you're different, I know I am. I just need to realize the actual distance between us, not just telling myself and everyone that I understand and accept what happened.. because I don't. I can't. In my mind, it's always you and me and the simple life. Except in reality, it's not. I must sound like a fucking psychopath. All these words they just look like a fucking mess.

All I find are souvenirs from better times

and I knew that you meant it

when evening falls

I still miss all of it

deal with it

I don't want to be the girl that laughs the loudest

or the girl who never wants to be alone

I'll kill who you hate

Always what I imagined our lives would be. It just felt like you were mocking me and I did the first thing that came to mind. Oh well. The reality is that isn't actually how our lives are. Despite everything I built in my head, my memories of you, you and I. My delusion about what I thought we were doing; the cosy exchanges.. they're just that. They are merely delusions. "I thought I understood it. But I didn't." I guess I just imagined that after the string of empty lovers we would somehow find out way back to what was real. God I must sound stupid as fuck now. And that would have been it. I imagined me saying to you "this is it, you and me". I don't know why I would think that.. but I just kind of do. So much for growing up. Sigh. Speaking of empty lovers, I just feel so much lighter now that your burden has been lifted off my shoulders. It's almost a feeling of relief that I'm no longer stuck in something that I don't believe in. I mean, yeah it sucks cos it gets boring but that's it. No overwhelming grief, no longing, no regrets. Leaving out of course, my drunk fits and what not. I guess you can't miss something that was never really there in the first place. After all, the ultimate goal is just to be happy right?

You never had a chance you know

Incurable romantics never do

picking up the pieces she left behind

Except it's me. If we met in a completely normal situation, neither of us would be here by now I'm almost certain. Its the chase for someone elusive, someone you've built in your head, the impression of someone from the first time you fell in love. Someone who took it all and left almost as abruptly as they came. It's amazing the effects of one decision. While I lost a love and him, his dignity; you have also lost. You've been robbed of your heart. I once believed that out of everybody, you're the one that won. But now I see that there are no winners here. Someone great once told me that there's nothing more cruel than introducing someone to a whole new world and then taking it away. You're searching for something that isn't there, holding on to an idea that's long grown out of itself. Maybe I'm not that special after all. Maybe I've just always been an idea: the first, the one that broke your heart, the one that got away. Well.. that kind of sucks. I think putting yourself out there again really makes you realize how small you are and how brutal the game is. Suddenly, everybody seems just as ruined. And as cruel.

If we met tomorrow for the very first time

would we start all over?