let it fall

Seriously, I need to fucking get out. I can coast along trying to convince myself that not being happy is not the same as being unhappy but it is. It's just so fucking frustrating. The problem is that I don't know what I want. Some days I hold on to my autonomy so fiercely its like I never wanna grow up and have something real. Other days I resent the fact that I don't share my life with anyone and I resent that I don't feel anything real anymore. I think I'm just so used to not being content that I don't even care anymore. Just that sometimes it gets so fucking frustrating when you do something ridiculous that makes it difficult for me to conceal my unhappiness. I know this is my on doing. On some level it almost feels like I'm just trying to punish myself, like I'm just denying myself the chance of being happy. I just hold on to so much anger but more importantly, so much fear. It's pathetic. I will never be happy until I get out.