glances and messed up chances

A good trip out of my head. It probably helps that Japan is like a world of their own; ramen, typhoons and Shinshaibashi. Being away always gives one a third-person view of their lives. I have long given up on this ever salvaging itself. In fact, I spend more time fantasizing about what it could have been instead of the way it is now. Not to mention how right you've proven me now that I'm back. So we're done with that. Maybe I just need to accept that I'm going to die alone cos boys are just too... much. I forget how cruel it can be. Who can really deny attention, even if it's in the form of very painful conversation. LOL. Ah well. It comes and it goes. But on to more important things... well. Wow, where do I even begin. It bothers me how comfortable it felt. In some ways it didn't bother me at all. ".. wanting the moment to stay but wanting nothing more than the feeling of possessing the moment" I've always been plagued by the meaning of this sentence and now more than ever, it is clear to me. Wanting something to last forever but only if one had control over it. If I had the guts, I would have spilled them. I would've told you what it meant, told you to stop, told you how dearly I adore you. But I didn't and I won't because I wouldn't know how. I wouldn't want to tarnish my image of you with the person I'm sure you've grown into. And it's stupid and it doesn't make sense but that's just what it is. Everybody including you I'm sure, knows the way I feel and that's fine. If it's just part of a long elaborate plan to screw me over or watch me screw myself over then so be it. If it doesn't matter to you at all, then so be it. It's out there and it has always been and I'm sorry I don't have the strength to fix things myself. I think I'm old enough to just accept things the way they are (still working on that) and stop playing my own immature games. The way I feel is the way I feel. It's as simple and as complicated as that.

always,

all ways