just a little boy

I would never have guessed that this is where we would be. A year ago I wanted to be young and free and live my fleeting youth not taking anything seriously. Right now, I've reached a point where I want to settle down with something real. That's all I want. I yearn not for the perfect other half but to simply be part of something that is greater than me. But you're an entire year behind me, both figuratively and literally. Well, figuratively you're approximately five years behind your actual age. Out of nowhere, you're chasing bright lights and social gratification that only someone as insecure as you would place so much importance in. We can't have everything. I don't doubt the way you feel about me, I question your ability be a fucking decent person. I don't care for your apologies and frankly, I don't care much for you right now. You can call and beg for forgiveness but I've been around long enough to know that its as sincere as my love for you. Perhaps the only hinderance is how well-matched we are in every other way and how perfect I am for you. The question is: what are you for me? Maybe it really is time to call it quits. I have half the mind to say call me in a year or so and we can pick it up from there because apparently that's how much fucking difference a year makes.

glances and messed up chances

A good trip out of my head. It probably helps that Japan is like a world of their own; ramen, typhoons and Shinshaibashi. Being away always gives one a third-person view of their lives. I have long given up on this ever salvaging itself. In fact, I spend more time fantasizing about what it could have been instead of the way it is now. Not to mention how right you've proven me now that I'm back. So we're done with that. Maybe I just need to accept that I'm going to die alone cos boys are just too... much. I forget how cruel it can be. Who can really deny attention, even if it's in the form of very painful conversation. LOL. Ah well. It comes and it goes. But on to more important things... well. Wow, where do I even begin. It bothers me how comfortable it felt. In some ways it didn't bother me at all. ".. wanting the moment to stay but wanting nothing more than the feeling of possessing the moment" I've always been plagued by the meaning of this sentence and now more than ever, it is clear to me. Wanting something to last forever but only if one had control over it. If I had the guts, I would have spilled them. I would've told you what it meant, told you to stop, told you how dearly I adore you. But I didn't and I won't because I wouldn't know how. I wouldn't want to tarnish my image of you with the person I'm sure you've grown into. And it's stupid and it doesn't make sense but that's just what it is. Everybody including you I'm sure, knows the way I feel and that's fine. If it's just part of a long elaborate plan to screw me over or watch me screw myself over then so be it. If it doesn't matter to you at all, then so be it. It's out there and it has always been and I'm sorry I don't have the strength to fix things myself. I think I'm old enough to just accept things the way they are (still working on that) and stop playing my own immature games. The way I feel is the way I feel. It's as simple and as complicated as that.

always,

all ways

leave it alone

when I come back,

I want change this time

let it fall

Seriously, I need to fucking get out. I can coast along trying to convince myself that not being happy is not the same as being unhappy but it is. It's just so fucking frustrating. The problem is that I don't know what I want. Some days I hold on to my autonomy so fiercely its like I never wanna grow up and have something real. Other days I resent the fact that I don't share my life with anyone and I resent that I don't feel anything real anymore. I think I'm just so used to not being content that I don't even care anymore. Just that sometimes it gets so fucking frustrating when you do something ridiculous that makes it difficult for me to conceal my unhappiness. I know this is my on doing. On some level it almost feels like I'm just trying to punish myself, like I'm just denying myself the chance of being happy. I just hold on to so much anger but more importantly, so much fear. It's pathetic. I will never be happy until I get out.

take me round this roundabout

Where to start? Life of a bum in full swing again, though I guess that never really ended. So much talk about life decisions and school and what not. Sometimes I really take things for granted. I guess that's what happens when things just come too easily. It's amazing what others go through and I am forever grateful. For everything. Anyway, I think that perhaps I have a social problem.. LOL perhaps. It weird that I feel like I need it just as much. I find myself fluctuating between relatively satisfied and indifferent. I know that isn't enough because I still can't sleep at night. I know it's not enough because it's still you and I'm still stuck. I know it's not enough because I'm still looking for something better. Just keeping my options open. Sometimes I think that maybe I just need a nice boy... but maybe not. I just want to feel like someone loves me, I guess. I don't really know what I'm saying. Life's just not fun if you don't love somebody.

With you gone, I'm alive

Makes me feel like I took happy pills

Trying to pick up the pace

Trying to make it so I never see your face againTime to throw this awayWanna make sure that you never waste my time again