hands down

2010 was not good.

Sludge

I get this scared just thinking about being alone.

You left me off your list

I'm addicted

to the pain, the stress

the drama

I'm drawn to shit

so I guess I'm a mess,

cursed and blessed

and you kissed me like you meant it

Watching through windows,

you're wondering if I'm okay

Look at what they did to her

Somehow it's not so bad. It feels liberating to see things from my own point of view now, to believe in my own thoughts and my own feelings. Life. And yet. In liberation, you get pleasure and fun.. and solitude. But when you're backed up in the corner, you can't be alone but you're stuck. Running around in hysteria in your own head, wanting so desperately to get out. All those words you said by the side of the road, ringing in my head. This feels so familiar it makes me sick. BTFU. Lying on the floor, dreaming about being adventurous, about being alone, about being liberated from everything. Just dreaming. As usual, I am afraid of more than I'd like to think. Oh how that fear controls me. I am only young once. Just once. Not everything is as infinite as I, as a foolish young girl, would like to believe. I've heard too much, but really, victory is in the mind. In my mind. Wanting so desperately to be better (than you). But on a brighter note, company doesn't seem so difficult to get nowadays but it could be the (guilty) pleasures. Ugh. Crying wolf like a scared, stupid child. Tough, love. Deal with it. Everything seems so chaotic, like I just need space to fucking breathe and fix everything one by one, starting of course with you. It's time to fucking get out.

I'll have you know I'm scared to death

The only one in the world

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first

Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes

I'm like fuck you and fuck her too

Where do I even start? How late this is. Oh now, that's not cute at all. Really, I'm scared as hell. End of the year = indulgence. Hitting the shops and the clubs like it's free.. but it's not. Butter two weeks in the row reminded me how fun it was to let loose without having to worry senselessly every second. Nothing gets you thinking like talking cock with a complete stranger till the wee morn. I like to think I've changed for the better but I can't erase this bitterness. Yeah, fuck you. No seriously. The whole week has seen me trying to swallow this bitter pill, fucking reluctantly. Faltering between complete indifference and mega fucking angst. I don't even know why it pisses my off but it just does. And now I know nothing of it. The way it should be, I guess. A lot less exciting. Stupid being matured and shit. Pfft. I guess I just.. didn't really see it coming? Maybe I'm really that delusional, or maybe I'm really that self-important. Or maybe I was always this delusional and it was always nothing. Ugh. I can't fucking wait for this year to end, though I don't really know what difference it makes because I'd probably still be bitter about it. My one question (don't die) is: what about me? what about what I need? What about what's best for meeeeee? ~ Anyway, it's a little late for this.

How could this be done,

by such a smiling sweetheart?

This never will be right with me

Are you?

As good as it gets, I guess

19th

Sitting all alone inside your head

So there goes the bubble. Reality hitting in the form of "Okay fine, I don't really know what I'm doing" leaping out of my mouth. Oops. Well, saw this coming. I see everything coming, yet I never get myself out of anything. Self-destruct. Oh poor little rich girl. Pfft. Girls will be girls I guess. For once, I'm actually quite used to it. No one really gives you a chance to change. My ploy to turn around has been halted by these accusations or memories of the brat I used to be. I know I still am in many ways but as far as possible I'm trying not to be. Ish. Anyway, as usual December brings a host of worries and financial issues, more so with this one. I'm screwed. Everything inside me is turning green as I become just another person to you. All this unnecessary talk and mock around the black hole that is you is making me sick. Sick of feeling anything other than the hatred and anger that is deserved. I am so lost in my own head, in my own thoughts. The only way out is not to get in but I've been stuck here for so long. And now, with no one to trust and no one to talk to. Till today, I am still fucking amazed by the entity of the nothingness I was left with. I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. And after building everything up from scratch, I am still finding holes in the foundation from when you clawed your way through my life. So for that, fuck you.

Explain to me this conspiracy against me

#18

You don't know what you're got till it's gone

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Three years and still, here we go. Another month, anther battle. How am I still in pretty much the same state that I was like.. 2 years ago? Life. Dull and blank. The chatter around school is really just so frivolous. Everything else is just sitting on the line. Staleness of the air around me is getting to my head. And nights are spent feeling unsettled about.... I don't even really know.I hate talking about it, it does nothing but reminds me about how unhappy I am. Now. Sometimes I wish I could just take a huge knife and slice you open, not in a slashing way but the nicest way possible. Not to get inside your head like I so desperately wish to.. no. Just so I can crawl inside and sit in you, engulfing myself in your safe haven. A familiar place. But that all seems quite out of line, no? Because now all that I will find is blood and intestines, gore and hatred. So much negativity going around. Trying to convince myself that I have hand. Trying to convince myself that I am older and better now thus I have the ability to make everything not explode in my head.

Everybody's changing and I don't feel right