Apologies, glances and messed up chances

Seems to be nothing but turmoil and ill feelings. I truly wonder why. Everything feels just that much more difficult. How have I not learnt to control my rage by now? Maybe I am just genuinely a lot more spoilt than I realize. And perhaps a little too secure... and yet. It fucking surprised me that you felt nothing of it. Till now, I struggle to really grasp how the wheels turn in your mind. On some level I think you're used to being me, but you can't cos I am more me than well.. me. Not so holier than thou after all. Disappointed is an understatement. It escapes me that it escaped you. Not that I am one to comment on devotion, of course. I'd like to say I'm territorial like that but I know it's really a question of pride and my insane expectations. Is it too much to want you to want to not? I hate that I have no one to ask anymore. These days, I've been feeling more alone than ever. Everything feels so distant and wrong. I had hoped to find solace in the pages of The Bell Jar but I've come up with nothing but loneliness and the worrying feeling that I am relating far too much. I hate this feeling of being in between everything. Since I've been back, it's beginning to feel like the painful and listless degradation to Purgatory again. All these questions in my head about who and why and the epic denial that I will one day delete it. Life.

Tell me why I feel so alone

cause I need to know to whom do I owe