You will never be happy

Just to make things a little easier. School is yet to be in full swing and I'm already feeling the weight of everything. Every prick of suspicion sent a wave of jitters through me. And I'm not even being dramatic. Every familiar shape, every corner I turn, every recognizable voice, every little thing and I literally start to shake. Hiding underground.. and for what? Sometimes it's ridiculous how easily I am blinded by... nothing. I have more in front of me that I have neglected and I am sore just thinking about it. I have (and am) more right than you. The end of October. Grown up and out of it all. Oh how gray the day is. This week has been such a ride. This temptation has changed you and this. Aaahhh the pressures of pleasures. In my head, I actually thought of those exact words. Not even surprised. This was what I was afraid of. Dead silence, still bodies and nothing. But what a comeback. On the bright side, first week of school and we're home free!

I think about more than I forget

But I don't go around fire expecting not to sweat

I think I'm everything you hate

But it's not fair.

Ring the alarm

I can't do this alone.

Into your gravity

One last run.

Drown

Let's get out of this country,

I'll admit I'm bored of me

Wandering

It's going to be difficult to be alone again.

Someone said you got a new friend

Moving a little faster than I had thought. What.. school next week already? Let's just not even go there.. but it was inevitable, wasn't it? "So it goes." And it went, just like I said it would. Moving on. This week saw the mess of thoughts detangle slowly but has led me to question what I now depend on. To think I promised myself I wouldn't. Soon, I will find my own way (I think) but for now I am contented to be guided along. Moving on. I comfort myself knowing that what I have is real. I already won, right? Don't bother, angel. I am too conceited and vain for my own good. But.. moving on. This week has seen so many things come between us, mostly on my part. Since it comes up this fucking often, I actually wondered if I'm insecure. Then I realize.. NAH. Why am I such a vindictive little skank? The ideas i toy with in the night are so bitter and filled with resentment that it scares me. Is the similarity so glaring that even someone so.. distant can point it out? The words cold and stark in my face. I don't know why I can't see anything past this right now. I guess it came as such a surprise, completely knocking the wind out of my stomach. It hurt like a beating. I haven't quite prepared myself for shifty eyes and awkward moments in tiny spaces. And if it's constantly in my face, I might just have fling myself off a building. Moving on.

You're keeping secrets on your pillow

Just floating

I don't want to play anymore.

Soul-less

Does this mean you're moving on?

Going nowhere, going nowhere

The long avoided trip into the black sea of desolation that is my brain. Swimming in it's engulfing waters, pulling and seducing me deep into the trenches. The water sticking to my skin and hair like oil and sludge, weighing me down. Oh how easy it would be if sleep was an escape. But no, sleep is the gray showers that thunders above this angry sea. The scariest thing is that in sleep I cannot control how deep I go into the dark places. So at night I lie in bed with my eyes open and my brain lucid, hoping that I won't swim towards the foreboding storm. These fucking dreams, i cannot fucking take them anymore. And in the day, despite the constant fatigue and listlessness, I stay awake and return home to nothing but emptiness and this growing feeling of dissatisfaction. I knew it, everything was just a distraction. It never goes away. Blood can only explain so much. It sucks that I take your opinion so seriously, especially since I know what it's like to suddenly be missing of it (always with the metaphor of the rotting arm). But your words, they entice me to believe that I am stronger than this. A surprising illusion of simplicity. You are truly a piece art and sad to say, still a foreign concept to me.. for now I hope. It's a combination of too much alone time, too many disconnections, too many fights, the feeling that something's missing and too much talk about the future. Why can't I do anything by my fucking self?

What have we found?

The same old fears?

Wish you were here.

Please stay and hold me

Miss her bad..

try and miss her, try and miss her,

I know, I know, I know you can.

Apologies, glances and messed up chances

Seems to be nothing but turmoil and ill feelings. I truly wonder why. Everything feels just that much more difficult. How have I not learnt to control my rage by now? Maybe I am just genuinely a lot more spoilt than I realize. And perhaps a little too secure... and yet. It fucking surprised me that you felt nothing of it. Till now, I struggle to really grasp how the wheels turn in your mind. On some level I think you're used to being me, but you can't cos I am more me than well.. me. Not so holier than thou after all. Disappointed is an understatement. It escapes me that it escaped you. Not that I am one to comment on devotion, of course. I'd like to say I'm territorial like that but I know it's really a question of pride and my insane expectations. Is it too much to want you to want to not? I hate that I have no one to ask anymore. These days, I've been feeling more alone than ever. Everything feels so distant and wrong. I had hoped to find solace in the pages of The Bell Jar but I've come up with nothing but loneliness and the worrying feeling that I am relating far too much. I hate this feeling of being in between everything. Since I've been back, it's beginning to feel like the painful and listless degradation to Purgatory again. All these questions in my head about who and why and the epic denial that I will one day delete it. Life.

Tell me why I feel so alone

cause I need to know to whom do I owe

In your vagina, China

An adventure like no other. Food, shopping and being deliriously sick of each other. And for once it wasn't a trip where I dwelled and wallowed. For once I left everything behind so I had something for me to come back to. And what a ride it was. A whirlwind of "shaaafuckup", "omg I butt fucked you!" and "MINDFUUUCCKK". Awesomeness. But back to reality and what a harsh blow it was. Less awesome chinese food and chinese boys. Life. Maybe I finally realized I can't always get what I think I deserve. It's just numbers I guess.. I guess. Life, on the other hand, seems to be duller than it already was. Bleak and gray. These dreams, they're still following me like a lonesome puppy. These thoughts, they plague me like a virus. What I need is one of those bright spotlights shining inside me so I can expose these feelings to myself. Because right now I am too caught in my own darkness to understand what is happening within me. Why am I running so frantically from my own emotions when I am so eager to read yours? The degradation of your life. Corrosion of everything I thought you were. I still can't place it. On the other hand, I think I am too blinded by my own mind that I can't, for the life of me, see any form of future and prospect whatsoever. It's like shooting myself in the foot over and over again.

Let's get out of this country,

I have been so unhappy