I feel sorry for myself

Sometimes I seriously question your dedication to this.

You keep making me ill

So this was originally supposed to be an upbeat post about how the hell we all call school is finally over. But in light of recent events, it will now become an empty space, and quite sadly the only space, for me to pen down my pent up frustration or for once.. hurt. The last day of Year 2 was celebrated (if you can even say that) by something I will refer to as an illness. Everything begins with an accidental discovery. Flashback to how you sat so smugly behind your coffee, shrugging me off by saying that my thoughts and fears are disillusioned and how it didn't seem important to you simply because you think I am being ridiculous. And yet sure enough. Even with the benefit of the doubt, it stings in all my wounded areas. But really.. the next blow? Out of this fucking world. I think what really hurt the most is how easily you could spin stories to make me think I know what is happening when I really don't. Times three. A false sense of control. A false sense of belonging. A false sense of real companionship. I really hope I am just being over emotional right now and it really isn't as horrible as it is but I am barely in a state to gauge. Why does everything feel so fucking familiar..? Just normally without this fucked up emotional rollar coaster. Which leads me to wonder if this affected you the same way it was fucking affecting me because I think that answer says a fuck lot about where we stand.

Do you feel it?

Do you feel it coming down?

Bleak

You built up a world of magic

I am okay with how this looks and I have hopes that things will continue looking up. Words and thoughts and theories on lines still flow freely. And I know it is still silly of me but I really really want nothing but an awesome break before SIP. One can only hope. Hurhur. Boredom will soon get the better of us. I shall ignore the fact that I cannot concentrate if you don't reply for hours on end. Studying is just so unenjoyable. Roar. Today was a somewhat a carbon copy day of our previous days. I don't know if that is a good thing. Here's the thing: I am simply unable to teach you how to handle it slash me. Think about how little sense that makes. The only thing that really bothers me is the fact that I so often selflessly (if I would say so myself) do these things for you and yet I often find myself less than satisfied. Sorry but gender chauvinism is not so easily tolerated by someone as head strong as I. Sometimes it just really isn't me making this and myself too important. Sometimes it just isn't me.

I'm always wrong but you're never right

Where my party people at?

I don't know what it means anymore

Push me up against the wall

For the first time, everyone's life is more dramatic than mine. The only interesting thing that happened to me is the two new additions to my wallet. Well, that and kinda getting kicked out of a house. Hur. School is so over it isn't even funny anymore. Come April I will be miserable and friendless again, just in an office environment. Fuckers. Admittedly, my mind has been plagued with strangling thoughts of what could have been. But now that the phase over, I begin to wonder if I am getting caught in this vacuum again. Not that I mind so horribly I guess. When I am stuck, I begin to fight my way out. And when I'm out, I get upset that I am no longer the core that your life revolves around. Vicious cycle? I am so lame. Hurhur. Maybe I am just too self-important.

We'll dig a deep hole

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you

Cos with the birds I'll share,

With the birds I'll share this lonely view

You got me begging you for mercy

No crazy intentions = no crazy drama-ish.

It's not a war, no it's not a rapture

I'm just a person but you can't take it.

Going home like a shooting star

A whole lot of fun and a whole lot of comfort. It has been a draining weekend. Rushing deadlines, dealing with drama, surprising Din and what not. Drama rama rama. Why do I feel like this happened before? (sound familiar?) I am so not kidding with the public enemy thing anymore. But on that note, I'm really fucking sick of this something that is really nothing so whatever. The same way you have become so uncaring. I love how it secretly surprises me when I find out that people hate me. Hurhur. On a completely unrelated note; I am not blind to all the signs. Today I actually asked myself if I would just let it happen and let my pride get in the way or actually make an effort. No answer. This has happened so many times recently that I now remember why I don't ever try. Maybe it is a question of dependency, though I highly doubt. Honestly, I feel like you at least owe that to me after all the fucking things I do for you. Not to mention every single fucking time I sit back and bite my tongue. Epic frustration a million times over. I don't quite know what to blame all of this on. Lack of satisfaction, insecurities or just plain exasperation. I am so fucking sick of being taken for granted.

Don't even know what we're fighting for