everything will be alright, if

you keep me next to youuuu ~~ #23. What a whirlwind the last two weeks have been. The succession of house parties that was Christmas led right into the big 2 3, which led right into the new year, that was spent drinking wine, talking about our feelings and yelling at the TV. The first few hours of 23 was.. actually quite perfect, if you can overlook how fucked up it actually is. First of all, what the fuck is up with people from the past simply showing up at mah door? Actually no, it's very sweet and I really appreciate that they would even remember. Maybe I'm the one that simply doesn't handle such conversations well. Maybe I don't handle anything well. So anyway, the night was so simple and sweet and meaningful (to me at least) and just. Yeah. There's not much more to say about that right now. The following, less fucked up night was just as perfect, surrounded by my favourite friends and love, eating, drinking and laughing together. That's all I want really. After that, retreating to a lazy, hazy night eating chips and watching adventure time in the most fucking comfortable bed evaaaa. So that was 2014, which was all around an amazing & lovely year. But right as I type this, I'm feeling low. I've been thinking of you and the years and years and years between us. And I remember that perfect night, foiled only by sunlight and reality and life, with both fondness and sadness. I understand now that there is no point in having these conversations, sharing these thoughts and moments and ideas, because there is no end game here. There's no where this can go, not now not ever. In fact, there's nowhere that you want this to go and nowhere that I want this to go. I know that I'm caught in an idea. An idea of you; the idea that someone so sweet and genuine and innocent and real exists in my life romantically. And above all, I just want to feel for once, like I'm good enough for you. I guess it probably isn't all that true. After all, you have fooled me more than once over the last few years. (I think I made you up inside my head.) So as you float away yet again, I'm overwhelmed with nostalgia and confusion and longing and fear. Fear that things will never be the same again because I cannot be young forever. Moving on. All in all, I'm not convinced that 2015 is going to be a good year, but I know it will be a big one. I know there are many changes on the horizon. I may not be ready for it, but growing up is just something we all have to do.

it's easy to fall in love

I know you are leaving again, and even though I know I have never been and will never be good enough for you, I just want you to know that I care about you and that you are truly special to me. Even though you're kind of a huge asshole. That is all.

lone ranger ridin'

now you're knocking at my door

If I was scared, I would 

and if I was bored, you know I would 

and if I was yours.. but I'm not

we're wise with the feeling

I don't know where to start, except maybe to say that Zoukout this year was an amazing gift that fell on our laps. I'm surprised that I actually enjoyed myself considering that I'm quite a homebody nowadays.. not to sound like a certain victim we've all gotten too accustomed to dealing with. The last couple of nights have seen me on my back, begging for sleep while my mind zipped it's way through a million imaginary situations. The past is a present I cannot return. The culprit of that one night I sorta-but-no-not-really "snuck out".. is the terrible phenomenon that is residual feelings. Although on hindsight, it's quite a huge change for us to actually have some semblance of conversation. Or physical contact. Or any contact really. It's hard to think that that-time-that-that-thing-that-we-dont-talk-about-happened was two fucking years ago. Does chemistry change after all that shunning and eye rolling and ignoring? Because it really should. Truth be told, I know for a fact that I am overthinking because nothing about you is real. Or at least, nothing about you and me. What it is is simply something that is fleeting and dangerous and sorta sexy and fun and not at all sincere or genuine. Right O. Moving on. I have not received anything and I am not disappointed. I am definitely much much less involved in his life and while I still harbour many negative (and toxic) feelings about him right now, but I still can't help but wonder. I think I need more attention. There's no point talking about morality and all that shit because at this point in my life, it doesn't matter to me. It just was what it was. I don't feel guilty. This isn't about blaming you for not paying attention to me or even blaming myself for wandering. This is simply the way things are in our universe. Or at least, that's how it is to me when I do it. I shudder to think otherwise. I shudder to think of the day I would have to do this without you, however inevitable. The undeniable fact is that you still drive me crazy (in all ways) but no one can know where our paths lie. One can only hope. Or overthink. Or not think at all.

I'll know the way back

Tomorrow I'll be stronger, running colorful 

No longer just in black and white 

But I'm quite alright hiding tonight

spiders in my head