everything will be alright, if

you keep me next to youuuu ~~ #23. What a whirlwind the last two weeks have been. The succession of house parties that was Christmas led right into the big 2 3, which led right into the new year, that was spent drinking wine, talking about our feelings and yelling at the TV. The first few hours of 23 was.. actually quite perfect, if you can overlook how fucked up it actually is. First of all, what the fuck is up with people from the past simply showing up at mah door? Actually no, it's very sweet and I really appreciate that they would even remember. Maybe I'm the one that simply doesn't handle such conversations well. Maybe I don't handle anything well. So anyway, the night was so simple and sweet and meaningful (to me at least) and just. Yeah. There's not much more to say about that right now. The following, less fucked up night was just as perfect, surrounded by my favourite friends and love, eating, drinking and laughing together. That's all I want really. After that, retreating to a lazy, hazy night eating chips and watching adventure time in the most fucking comfortable bed evaaaa. So that was 2014, which was all around an amazing & lovely year. But right as I type this, I'm feeling low. I've been thinking of you and the years and years and years between us. And I remember that perfect night, foiled only by sunlight and reality and life, with both fondness and sadness. I understand now that there is no point in having these conversations, sharing these thoughts and moments and ideas, because there is no end game here. There's no where this can go, not now not ever. In fact, there's nowhere that you want this to go and nowhere that I want this to go. I know that I'm caught in an idea. An idea of you; the idea that someone so sweet and genuine and innocent and real exists in my life romantically. And above all, I just want to feel for once, like I'm good enough for you. I guess it probably isn't all that true. After all, you have fooled me more than once over the last few years. (I think I made you up inside my head.) So as you float away yet again, I'm overwhelmed with nostalgia and confusion and longing and fear. Fear that things will never be the same again because I cannot be young forever. Moving on. All in all, I'm not convinced that 2015 is going to be a good year, but I know it will be a big one. I know there are many changes on the horizon. I may not be ready for it, but growing up is just something we all have to do.