on my way to heaven

I am so lucky to have met you and that at some point of time in our lives, we have shared and built a life and love together. There is really nobody as amazing and as big as you are to me. And although having lost what we had is something truly devastating to me, even after all this time, I am so incredibly grateful that you still find ways to help me through the darkest days. I only wish I could do the same for you but I can't offer anything except to say that I am and will always be thinking about you.

A king of everything and nothing

I'm always here, I'm in denial

When there's nothing left between us

I will stay another while

You know you're free

You've got your wings

And I am just another angel

I swear you emerged blinking into

The most tiring weekend ever but just the perfect thing to help forget about life. The weekdays before and after were spent slogging but such is life. Epic times with amazing music, good friends, peacocks and of course, our fair share of drama. And the good two or so hours that I blacked out and went to a weirdly sandy paradise (i think) for a bit. Major Lazer, Kaskade, Above and Beyond (ha), Calvin Harris and Paul Van Dyke (ha ha). Surprisingly, I had a lot more fun than I had anticipated. Now that things have simmered, I shall attempt to log the trials and tribulations of recent events. Firstly, I have come to realize that retribution is something you cannot run from, no matter how good you are. See also: here when I was angry and thoughts were exploding out of my head, only to make way for visuals so vivid I may as well have been there. Can't believe you don't at least have the decency to not get caught. Fucking faggot cunt. What he did was not a mistake, it is a way of life. I know because that's how I live. I bet neither of us thought we would see the day this truly ended. I always carried around a paranoia but I was never prepared to be embarrassed like that. I am humiliated and angry but also relieved that this is finally over. Which brings us to the next thing and back to the main point because, surprise surprise, I am stuck in an extremely ironic shit cycle of boys who are idiots. The epic "he has a girlfriend" moment where we gasped, looked at each other and just exploded into laughter. Perfect. That then brings me to the next one.. I hate having feelings, although I'm weirdly certain that this one is also another idiot. But I've also come to learn that sometimes it isn't about what happens, but about what could happen that makes it enough. Oh well. Nothing will ever come close to the most important one. The truth is I still need you. I cannot thank you enough for everything. Words aren't enough to express how much respect I have for you. As it is, I am furious and bitter about something so much smaller than what I put you through, I can't imagine how big a person you must be to be who you are. I may not have faith in people and in life but if there's one thing that may get me through, is that I will always believe in you.


I turn the music up, I'm on a roll this time
and heaven is in sight

never get over you

Saturday nights in neon lights,
Sunday in the cell.
Pills enough to make me feel ill,
Cash enough to make me well

you would never

Yesterday in a state of epic confusion, I made my way to our old stomping grounds in the scorching afternoon heat. I don't know what I was thinking or where you would be on a Tuesday afternoon. I didn't find you so I walked everywhere to make myself seen so that somewhere somehow maybe someone would tell you that they saw me and how lost I looked. "It seemed like she was looking for you" they would tell you. And maybe you would somehow know that I was lost and that I needed you. I don't know what I would have done if we did meet. I just know that merely being around you would somehow help me understand what I am going through. I miss you.

to help you forget your ex

what did you expect from post break-up sex?

#1000

I clearly use this space way too often. This is actually the #1000 post #thisiswhyidonthavefriends. It's been a weirdly disappointing week. I may never love again.. and it doesn't even bother me anymore. Such a far cry from 2009 when we held the world in our hands. First of all, boys have pregnancy brain like, all the time. It's not so much of a disappointment as it is a sad victory that I am always right about these things. But nothing compares to the next one. The thing is, I'm not so sure if I am filled with disgust because I truly disapprove or because of loyalty. Everybody says it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learnt from them.. but how many are you allowed to make before its not okay? I run on this belief that I can do it to you but you better not do it to me.. and I have. Again. And I don't feel bad. I just don't. Does it make me a bad person to forgive myself for what I did years ago? Because I have. Once again, I'm back to my faithlessness (see also: 2011). The problem with love is that it is so easily confused with trying to possess and own someone. Although, I simply can't imagine how I would feel to be at the receiving end. I remember how my imagination and paranoia used to keep me up circa 2010 after I did what I did that made me realize how easy it is to slip up, no matter how much you treasure what you have. It's precisely because I know how tempting it is that I am truly fucking paranoid. It's not so much about my self-worth as it is being realistic that nobody is 100% faithful or truthful. Which brings us back to the perennial question: what's the fucking point? Nobody belongs to anybody, no matter what we want to believe. I miss when we were younger and didn't have to think of these things. When you're young and constantly angry, you love fiercely and so stupidly. I miss that. And you. Sigh. It's not so much that I don't believe in love because I do. I know it exists and I even believe in the One and all that crap. It's just that I don't believe in relationships and in people.


Love,
I've had enough of you tonight