Never something I could hide

Why we are still friends truly escapes me.

Looking for ourselves sober

So I've been missing for a while now. Above you see: long awaited birthmas presents, studying for tests, ladies night @ Zouk and the weekend spent living with the Sanusi's. Cooking, eating, waiting, cabbing, eating, waiting, sleeping. Kor Han you have failed me for the last time! Hee. And I think the most satisfying part was that the sobriety hardly got in the way of comfort and company. Wish I could say the same about my shoes; you really would think that anything that cost that much money would be comfortable. Hurhur. School work and my birthday and my future and all these other things are crashing on me. Holidays my ass. And yet I still cannot wait to just shove this shit aside for just a(nother) tiny getaway. Okay I lied. It's not exactly crashing down on me, it's hovering dangerously above me.. as I blog. HA. My excuse for my disorganized, disoriented and distracted mind? December. A year ago, I was drunk-dialing and depressed and hurt and all that other melancholy shit. 2009 and I am sadly sober but still really quite fine with everything. For now anyway, for now.

Just don't let me down.

No way I'm trusting this

Fucking never-ending abyss of disappointment.

This memory remains just a tiny spark

Typical December behavior. Everything just seems hollow and undeserving. Even on the best of days I return home with a nagging feeling of unfulfilled-ness. And in the early morning, fleeting moments of gratitude and or regret flirt it's way through the clutter of unhappiness. No, it's really not just in my head. Though logically, it' pretty stupid when you think about it. Worrying and dreading December the whole year because it symbolizes the end of another year, and the end of so much more. And at the same time, dreading January because that symbolizes the start of a whole new year. Then you start think "Oh my God it's only January, when will this be over?" And then you just start dreading December again. What a fucking stupid cycle. But then again December brings the dreaded trio holiday celebratory thing that fucks with my mind like no tomorrow. Which then involuntarily tosses school into the backburner. Wish I could say the same about SIP (which is unfortunately, all I talk about now). Meah. If I didn't have such a huge fear about ending things, I'd be so easily liberated by all these strangling thoughts. Roar. That is too easily said. Somehow or other, I always expect to be alone for the holidays. And I almost rather be. These intuitions are so difficult to explain.

We tried so hard to understand,

But we can't

I was drizzle and she was a huricane

End of November. Where do I even begin.. or end? As we draw nearer and nearer to the dreaded christmas/birthday/new year's combo, I have nothing but queries and unfinished business on my mind. Number one concern: Questioning my own self worth. Sticks and stones; skin and bones. Meah. And on top of everything else; How the fuck do I get a decent job and survive 6 months of being pushed around? I've been nothing but distracted and lost and all this escaping is barely helping me orientate at all. Roar at life. Roar again at untimely returns. Here's the thing, I'm not above not returning the favor. I have enough on my plate as it is without having to distract myself with imaginary emotional baggage. Blah. This week we learnt that when it really boils down to it, I really am just like anybody else, aren't I? Sleepless nights and just generally being very upset. Ugh I am such a fucking girl sometimes. Though I must admit your incredible insensitivity as well. Hee. I am so tired and lost and confused I don't know what I'm talking about or where I'm going anymore.

Stop before you fall
I don't wanna pick you up again

"Are we the dining dead?"

And I can't hide that I relied on you,

Like yellow does on blue.