So what do you want from me?

Here we go again.

All these stupid emotions are clogging up my blog. So yes, in the midst of all that feeling (or should I say showing how I feel, thinking about how to feel and knowing how I should feel) I have failed to realise that there is a growing pile of projects that have collected right below my pretty little nose. And I know I should not be letting anything distract me from my school work so I will shove it all aside and concentrate on the five different subjects that I take. Well it's not much to shove now anyway, I guess things are clearing up on that front. The foundation is still a little shakey but at least I've found something to hold onto. We'lll just see how that works out then.

On the other hand, my parents are starting to incredibly annoy me with their retarded curfews and obvious suspicion. Pfffft. Story of my fucking life. I absolutely detest being compared to my brother but does it stop them? No, of course not. So here I am worrying about my school work and there they are thinking that I'm smoking up a storm and out with boys all day. HA, far from it. Wait till they figure out what it is that I'm actually up to(: HAHAHA. Oh well, that's what they get for trying to wrangle me under their grasp despite knowing full well that I am capable of being a responsible person without them. And now their constant watch over me has led me to rather rebellious endeavors which I probably wouldn't have fallen into if it weren't for their retardedness. This is truly what you call irony.

Gosh, I am filled with so much teen angst it's amusing.

The little things, you do to me are

Taking me over, i wanna show ya

Everything inside of me

Like a nervous heart that, is crazy beating

My feet are stuck here, against the pavement

I wanna break free, i wanna make it

So who's letting go first?

I am so fucking tired.

But it's okay, I won't die.

I remember the car you were last seen in,

And the games we would play.

All the times we spilled our coffees,

And stayed out way too late.

I remember the time you sat and told me about your Jesus,

And how not to look back even if no one believes us.

R-E-G-R-E-T

I feel so small.

I am stuck. I put myself here in the first place and now I can't get myself out. I am weak, I couldn't let go. I am stupid, I let myself fall when I knew, I fucking knew. I am pathetic really, because I know all of this. I know that I am stuck, that I am weak, that I am stupid. So fucking stupid. But am I doing anything about it? No, I'm not. I'm just here, thinking and letting it eat me up inside. And I honestly don't know why I put myself through all of this unneccessary trauma.

Oh wait, it's because I'm stupid like that.

Down on my knees

I really really am a stupid girl.

Though we have not hit the ground
Doesn't mean we're not still falling.
I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame I hope you find somewhere to place the blame

When something better comes along

I hate being caught in between.

In between clarity and uncertaincy. In between knowing what to do and actually doing it. In between yes and no. In between denial and acceptance. In between wanting to rid myself of all this emotional baggage and simply being too attached to it to let go. In between you and me.

I think I'm too matured for my own good. Cos I'm just sitting here, thinking. Or pretending to think. Guess what I'm actually doing. I'm feeling. Oh my god, I'm fucking feeling. Insecure, confused, helpless, alone, duped, stupid, selfish, angry, lost, scared. My heart is just jumping all over the place, torn between logic and feeling. Thump thump thump. It's not getting any easier. Thump thump thump. What if you never gave two fucks about me and I'm just putting myself through all this crap for absolutely nothing? Thump thump thump. But what if you did and I'm just throwing it all away? Thump thump thump. Then again I'm probably the last person on your mind. Thump thump thump. And it's all for your own good anyway. Thump thump thump. And it's honestly come to a point where it's just not worth this shit anymore. Thump thump thump.....Right?

Fuck I hate that I care so god damn much.

We were all in love and we all got hurt

It kinda makes me sick to be on that list

First day of school was alright I suppose. I realised that I do know a lot of people, just that none of them are in my course. A lot of running around and catching up, tons of familiar faces. I've decided to be slightly more positive because all this whining really does nothing for me. Anyway the more I think about it, Poly really is right for me.




I know I should let go.



Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

I'm losing you and it's effortless

[This was Friday afternoon]

So here I am chilling at Starbucks with my laptop, blogging. A month ago, I was probably here with my diary, quietly and thoughtfully penning down how I feel. A whole freaking year ago, I was probably here with my books, mugging for the Os and rushing for time.


Some things never change though. I am still as much of a loser now as I was then. (I fail to connect to the internet and have thus resorted to blogging on Microsoft) My drink is still condensing all over me. I still absolutely adore the combination of caramel and coffee as I sip on my Grande Dulce de Luce Frapp. I am still uncomfortable when I see juniors from SAC who recognize me when I have no fucking clue who they are. And people still stare at me.


But then again, when I do actually think about it, so much has changed. I look at the sec fours sitting outside, diligently mugging while their empty plastic cups and even emptier wallets taunt them and I think; Damn. That used to be me. I used to don that uniform every morning, drag myself to school and sit reluctantly through lessons. Then as soon school ends, I’d hop into a cab with a couple of my friends and plop myself down at a convenient Starbucks, order a drink and sit there for hours on end. And now here I am, a whole year later, watching them go through what we’ve all been through, wondering what the fuck it was that happened along the way. God I feel so fucking old.



It’s starting to really hit me that school starts in what, two fucking days? Maybe I’m just slow, or maybe it was the sucky orientation, or maybe it was meeting my coursemates for the next three years, or maybe it’s the fact that… I just can’t run anymore. Everyone expects it to be easier for me since I was already in school for a while at the beginning of the year. But what they don’t realize is that during those months I had created a comfortable little routine for myself and that now that everything is so different, the contrast is so stark that it’s actually a lot harder. By the way, I’m supposed to be at Orientation right now.


Genius. I finally figured out what’s the worst bit about ending school at four almost everyday. The fact that everyone else ends at six. And how did this so miraculously hit me? I left camp early yesterday and called all five of my neds and none of them picked up; Simply because they were in class. And here I am hating this so god damn much because I’m right back where I began, feeling so fucking distant and so fucking far away. And I know it can't be helped and I know it was inevitable and I know all that crap, which in turn makes me feel so fucking whiney and annoying. This is working out abosolutely fantastic.



I think I can fully epitomise how I feel right now in a very simple sentence; My life is balls. HAHA. In that extended period of time, I’ve gained friends and lost friends, I’ve had coffee come and go(ing), I’ve spent a ton of money, I’ve partied like I’ve never partied before, I’ve lost my first almost everything.


Suddenly, jumping around in my room in my underwear with Gwen Stefani at full blast seems like so not so long ago. Suddenly getting my hair makeover feels like not so long ago. Suddenly Grad Night feels like not so long ago. Suddenly my sad attempt at a first job feels like not so long ago. Suddenly, planning for and finally enjoying Abnia feels like not so long ago. Suddenly, new year’s eve and all that Depp worshipping feels like not so long ago. Suddenly, the hil-arious periods of time when Din Pau and I met up everyday cos we were the school rejects feel like not so long ago. Suddenly, getting back our results feel like not so long ago. Suddenly all those coffee dates and late (late) nights out feel like not so long ago.















































Then I remember that it was long ago. Long long ago.