I said it's been a long time

It's been a pretty interesting couple of weeks. My mood has shifted so much recently. Even though I've been feeling infinitely better than before.. I know I still have a ways to go. Yes, I do feel lighter and better because I made the conscious choice to detach from the situations that were bringing me down. But I would be absolutely lying if I said that they don't still bother me.. because they are still important to me. All I did was learn to not let it affect me and my mood every single fucking day, to not hang on every single word and to (try) not to place all hope and concentration on it. It's still a struggle, but at least I'm trying to make it slightly easier for myself. I'm not really trying to run away. I still think about them a lot. For one, I at least clearly see how the situation looks from my perspective. I can't help it that I am still holding on to some anger about what happened and or actually more like how you reacted to the situation that you caused. It's beyond a doubt true that unless I deal with how I feel and properly accept that nothing can happen between us.. I will not be able to truly be here for him as a friend. I guess a couple of weeks really wasn't enough time (mostly cos I just childishly ignored it), but also I'm honestly not sure what can be done, if anything at all, to make me trust him again. I hate for him to think that I don't care about him, but I just can't bring myself to look him in the eye and ask how he is. Also, I have zero defences for him right now as a person. Sometimes just looking at him irks me.. which makes me sad thinking about how important he actually is.. or was..?  Ugh. I mean, yeah you're fucking sad obviously I get it, but like.. what the fuck did you think it was going to be? I wouldn't go as far as the rest to say you deserve to have someone (read: me) do it to you too, but I can't bring myself to stand up for you right now cos all I can see are my poor little rich girl problems. Hur hur. I can already see how bad that blow out is going to be once I can no longer contain this brewing anger. Moving on to other situations - I'm hella glad that I (to some extent) made the choice to try to step back and out of this.. whatever the fuck you call it. Now that I've pulled myself out of that ugly spiral of self-deprecation and misery, I can see that you're just a dick. I mean, that's fine and all. You also seem like a right mess, but at least I'm not so pathetically blinded by my weird feelings (read: obsession). I must say that at least I'm not letting it affect my self esteem and how I feel myself and all that pathetic shit. Oh but.. #weboflies and all.  I know I should just.. let all of this shit go and just fucking focus on getting myself back on track. I'm trying my best to not get in any more trouble. I just need to accept that neither of these are going to materialize to anything either. Easier said than done though.

please

I just want you to choose me

I'M DYING

I fucking miss you. When the fuck are we going to make this happen?

but I'm just scared

I have so much to say.. to you, about you, with you. I know it's dumb because I know this space is good and I want this too.. but I can't help but occasionally let my mind wander to thoughts of you and what you've been up to and if you are dealing with shit well and or if you still think about me. I just don't want to feel stupid. And although I know what I know.. I can't help but feel that tinge of insecurity wondering if you'll change your mind about me and this. Me hiding behind my jacket as my friends tease me about having feelings and gay shit like that.. it says a lot. I'm the kind of person who is fucking honest with myself right. I know how I feel. I acknowledge this.. as much as I hate it because of the situation and the fact that you handled it poorly.. it somehow does not change the fact that I feel what I feel..? And you're right - you truly don't fucking deserve this. And I know I'm mean spirited and have mean thoughts and I've been giving nothing but mixed signals and acting like I'm above this and you. Everyone who's close to me knows that this is my fucked up defence mechanism because I don't like to feel gay things. I truly do feel less emotionally invested in this though.. that one I can't deny. I mean look.. at the end of the day, I fucking respect myself right. I know I don't have to put up with this shit. I can't bring myself to be constantly looking out for your sorry ass when 1) you don't even give a flying fuck about yourself 2) I don't even know what I want and I don't even know how to really look after myself. I had to disassociate for myself and my emotional health. I was going through a really tough time in those few weeks, dealing with how I felt about myself and my self worth. And the way things worked out pushed me to step out of it, and for that I am super grateful because I feel so much lighter and better now. I didn't deserve to be dragged down. Yes, I took things a little personally because I myself was/am struggling with the kind of person I became. My point is.. this is important to me. If it wasn't, I wouldn't still be so mad. If it wasn't, I would've continued playing with vicious intent. I easily could've made this uglier. I could've fucked shit up from the start.. and I believe that if I was 5 years younger, I really would have and I would have fucking enjoyed every minute of it (because I am mean spirited as fuck). Okay. I'm not out here tryna praise myself for not being psychotic. What I am really trying to say, in the least conceited possible way, is that I'm glad you did this with me. Because I will still want to look out for you. Well first imma look out for myself.. but I will still spare a thought for you and the situation because I really fucking empathize. Of all things and of all people, I really fucking empathize with this, especially in this age and time in my life. And as much as I think less of the two of you now.. it's really not my problem to deal with. I'm not fucking sorry. Please for the love of god take note of this. I will never be sorry. I'm only responsible for myself and for my own actions and consequences. I have zero fucking obligations to you. But I spare a thought for you because I really want to. I want you to be okay. I know you need time. I mean shit, even I needed time even though it was my choice. I get that. I really truly understand this. And I wanna give you that space.. and myself as well. I hate how this happened but there's really no point fucking crying over spilt milk. We made this choice.. we did. And as much as I don't fucking know what I want or may want or don't want.. I wish you will at least be honest with me. I have no expectations of what may or may not happen.. if you really wanted to go back to that, then so be it, you'll get what you deserve. I just want to at least feel that our connection was real and true and honest. That's all I can think of right now. I've been around.. I know that this kind of connection doesn't come by easily. I don't regret a single moment that happened. And if it doesn't work out.. I think I can live with it. But I would really want it to be honest and open and true. I don't know if that's a lot to ask cos I may be too in it to see.. but that's just what I wish for right at this very moment.

the story of us

do you think about me still?

leave me with some kind of proof its not a dream

Tonight I feel the heavy hand of sadness. I know I am stupid. This entire situation is stupid. Even saying "this situation" is stupid.. because it probably only exists as a situation to me. I can barely remember what it feels like anymore. I know it's a combination of literally everything.. my feelings for you, wanting what I cannot have, the fucked up things you say, not wanting to be that kind of person, etc etc. I know it's everything. The more we thought about it, the worse it became. I say we because I still believe that you and I are the same. As much as I know it doesn't make sense.. or even matter.. I want to believe that you feel the same as I do. I know it probably isn't real. I don't think it ever was.. even from years and years and years ago. I know I should let go.. and I am really trying. I don't want to be played by you anymore. I don't want to be holding on to this uncertainty when I know there will never be a day where you will actually show up. Also.. this web of lies and what not. Ugh. I just can't believe that we literally let an entire quarter of an entire year go by without even giving this a proper shot. I know it says a lot.. despite all the sweet nothings you spill into my ears while drunk. But I still cannot fucking believe that this is how it played out. I cannot believe I really didn't get what I wanted. After all these years. Don't tell me I have to wait another five fucking years for something to happen.. because I don't fucking have that time. I'm mostly angry that it turned out this way.. because you didn't even want to try. I know we both did this.. I also wanted to gamble. I get it. I got burnt. I actually had a pretty good hand but I couldn't bluff.. or I didn't want to. I am mostly angry at you.. but tonight I'm feeling pretty down. All I can think of is how you didn't choose me.. and it actually kind of hurts. Almost.

for a faded fuck

But baby, don't get it twisted
You was just another nigga on the hit list
Tryna fix your inner issues with a bad bitch
Didn't they tell you that I was a savage?