I've had enough of you tonight

perhaps the most fucked up thing is that I'm equally obsessed with you

LDN twn

"This is not going to be a carefully crafted post with big words and cryptic meanings. This is simply an honest expression of the way I feel at this very moment. What people never realize is that now is as elusive and evasive as one's youth. The last few months in Birmingham have taught me that I am only as good as the way I feel. The events that transpired have taught me that I am not any stronger than anyone else - that despite what I believe, I am as prone to getting hurt as the next fool. Most of my youth is spent living dangerously, ploughing through life chasing savage desires yet protecting my heart with a ferocity that could match the burning sun. What this time has taught me is that by protecting oneself from sadness, you are also denying yourself a chance at happiness. Last night's teary goodbye was heart wrenching. Now I can simply attribute it to the new life I've made, new friends and new adventures I had have to leave behind but we all know it isn't entirely true. A lot of me couldn't bear to leave you and us and our hobo lifestyle because I know things could never be the same. The truth is, I came to Birmingham with the intention of getting my life together. And while I'm (amazingly) leaving it with a bigger wreck on my hands, right now in this very moment I regret nothing. I regret absolutely none of our lazy languid nights in my tiny room, playing house and sneaking around. I don't even regret the hours I've spent lying on my back thinking about you and her with nothing but the familiar sting of jealousy that soon made it's home in my bed. I think of all the places we have made our mark with great fondness and an even greater sadness. What began with two lost kids looking for company and escape from the quiet hell of an empty room has grown into something more than what flashed before my eyes the very first night you leaned in to kiss me. I'm not naive, I can guess that none of this is real, that it could well be the vacuum of time and space and what not that attributes to the intensity of this fiery desire and desperation for each other. Whatever it is, right now all I know is that I truly could not have done this without you. "

- Two entire years ago

with nothing but loose ends

I often write about how grateful I am to have everything that I have. But sometimes when I really think about it, I am truly amazed at just how much I have in my life. I have almost every material thing that I want and that I have ever asked for. I've been so so so lucky that it is within my means to indulge in my fancies of bags, shoes, watches, etc. Most recently, I have been, for the lack of a better term, blessed by my generous father the gift of a very very nice car. My dream car, in fact. There are more than a million people out there who have so much more than me. I know that my things aren't the most fancy or the most expensive or the most anything, but they are all good enough for me. More importantly, I'm so fucking grateful that in the last couple of years I have grown the fuck out of buying things for the sake of buying things, living my life in excess and doing things because everyone else is doing it. Because what a sad, fucking pathetic life that is. I have more than that. Being with J has taught me to appreciate the simpler things in life, taught me that there are humble rich folk and opened my eyes to what's real and what's fake. Right now, I have a good job with a good bank that could take me places. The reason that I don't give a flying fuck what people think about me is that I know in my heart that every single aspect of my life has been upgraded. "My life has to be like this, it has to keep going on." Looking at my life now, there is nothing more I could ask for.

FRIDAY I'M IN LOVE

I'm amazed that it's Friday again. So far work has been pretty good to me. I know this may be temporary, but I'd like to enjoy it while it lasts. The most important thing about this week is that one of my biggest dreams has finally come through. My father has given me so much in my life and I'm so so so grateful. All in all, I feel that maybe I'm actually pretty happy right now.

I didn't know if I'd find you

It's the end of the first week, which was basically two days of doing nothing because things are still in the process of getting set up. I'm still feeling quite conflicted, but I can't give it a fair call until I get my hands dirty. So it is. Tonight's fit (and the last couple of weeks) has me reconsidering what I want my future to look like. I suppose there was a time when I wanted it all,  but nowadays.. hmm. I'm like Gatsby (the lazy edition): "my life has got to be like this, it's got to keep going on". Sadly, the future is something I can predict. Only time will tell what will happen. On the other hand, I can tell where this, me and you, is going if things continue this way.. as they have for years now. Tonight's fit (that seems to have been bubbling under the surface for a while now, for me at least) served as a timely reminder of what priorities we/I/you have in life. I'm not sure how much longer I can live with the fact that I'm simply not on any list of yours at all. What's the point really. I'm both annoyed and wounded by your nonchalance, to put it lightly. It's not that I don't know what you're like, or how to deal with you or all of those things.. but it's not right. It's not like I'm asking for the world, to be driven around or demand things or all that kind of crap. I'm simply asking for you to be reasonable, to deal with things in a mature way and to give me the time of day when I fucking deserve it. More importantly, I urge you not to be fucking ungrateful that I'm easy going. Honestly. You need to step your shit up. It's literally. Literally. The least you can do.

it's a nice way I think, to wake up with you

A year ago today, we left for the grand adventure of our lives. I have missed it every day since. My heart longs for the time when it was me and you and beef bowls and adventures and ramen and our little apartment. Fast forward an amazing year later, and today marks the end of my funemployment. I am insanely nervous about tomorrow, but I hope that everything turns out well. Like everything else, I have my doubts and reservations. However, I must admit that I have been extremely lucky so far in life, and that everything I have right now is more than one could ever wish for. Whatever the future brings, I am deeply grateful for everything I have now.