where you once belonged

My life is constantly on the move. Everyone assumes that I have nothing better to do with my life and time because I'm funemployed but that's not true at all. In between rolling around in bed, getting mah nails did, driving, coffee, afternoon drinks and meaningful conversations, I barely have time to think or worry about anything. Like my future. In spite of the disappointment, I still have hope that things will work out in some way or other. But back to the now, my days are short and hectic. The nights are slow and relaxing. But maybe I have a skewed point of view right now because I just got back from a holiday. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I am very lucky and endlessly grateful for all that I have. And though nothing lasts forever, I can't help but want to fully appreciate everything.

here comes the feeling

I would love to say that this feeling is an uncommon one for me, especially at this time in my life when things are supposedly going fucking peachy. The truth is I feel this frustration and disappointment and paranoia fucking often and sadly, it's only been getting worst. I don't know if something happened... or worst, but I fucking hate the way this feels. The last month has seen me feeling progressively more unhappy and this is something I can't run from anymore. I'm not a child, I understand how these things work. It really has been a long time and maybe that deadline wasn't just in my head. Things get too comfortable, too familiar. Trust me, I know. And I can't even begin to stomach the idea of someone else. I always knew this was coming, but I can't stand feeling this way. It's not right.  I'll never be ready for it. I just hope I'm wrong because I can't see myself without you.

a hot sweet taste

It's been a while since I've set aside some time to pen my feelings down in this space, but looking back on the empty spaces spurred me to sit down tonight and type. That and recent developments. Okay, calling it a fucking development is a stretch. Recent.. conversations? I'm happy to say that I'm typing this with neither ill feelings nor sadness of any form. Not to say that everything went as well as I had wanted (there are still certain things that make me roll my eyes so hard) but I feel satisfied now with things between us past and present (ish). Honestly, what really helped was that I am no longer on my crazy post-japan-singapore-sucks bender. Oh and time. But mostly the lack of alcohol thing. Even though I was hella surprised when my phone lit up, I'm glad to know that we can still have easy, honest conversations despite whatever happened between us (dream or not). I know you didn't call with the intention of clearing things up, but I'm glad you did because I wouldn't have dared to if you hadn't. Having said that, I don't think I've ever heard anything more accurate than when you said that I only have feelings for you when you're actually in my life, and that I can as easily brush it aside as I can feel it. I truly don't know why that is, but I'm pretty sure you're right. The only thing I know for fucking certain is that you and I are the same. There is no other way you could diagnose it that fucking well. Not to sound bitter (ish), but you've proven that as well with your latest conquest or whatever the fuck you call them. Jokes aside, I've been surprisingly not bitter about the whole thing. Perhaps it's not so much as my "feelings for you" but just you and our relationship that makes me so candid and uninhibited. Whatever it is, I am quite fucking sure that what it is we supposedly potentially feel is not real. Real feelings don't come and go. It's as simple as that. Frankly, I have fully come to terms with that. A lot of the reason is because I know more about you now than I should. I'm disappointed knowing what kind of man you've become. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, nether am I playing victim. In fact, I know I'm far from being the innocent little girl. All I'm saying is that you're not as big as you think you are and that was disappointing for me. To me, you were always the beacon of hope in a world where no one is faithful and loyal and true. But you know, that's life. Other than all of this (that I'm really glad to put behind me), I'm happy to report that everything else is going perfectly peachy. I am at a time in my life that I truly appreciate everything and everyone that I have. If I should say so myself, I've fought hard in many different ways for everything I have.

she broke down and let me in

white houses

two years, two continents, three brilliant cities, countless memories and experiences and friendships and one man child later

slow dancing

I don't want to live inside my head. 

I want truth, I want freedom, I want faith, I want security. I want you.

for no one