more than I thought could exist

The fortnight in Tokyo before our impromptu trip to Osaka, which was basically spent spending and roaming around. It's funny that I feel like I spend more than alone time I had imagined and it doesn't bother me at all. In fact, every time I arrive home to an empty apartment I feel a huge sense of relief and I push the windows open to let the cold, spring wind air out the staleness of our homey little lives. If I didn't have that I wouldn't be sure I could survive. I mean it's not as bad as it seems, there are so many times where I have to stop to just fucking appreciate everything that I have and everywhere I've been and even you, whom I often wish to take a knife to. Last night's drunken rampage both annoyed me and softened me (there is truly no better word). That the fucking trying thing about this which is that you are both extremely extremely fucking frustrating yet also somehow really tolerable? I don't know. All I know is that I have to try to enjoy it since we haven't even been here a month and in that aspect, we have a really a long way to go. Other than that, Japan has been nothing short of amaaaaaaazing. Everything in Tokyo moves so fucking fast it's like a constant blur. Sometimes I yearn to stay home in bed with a book or to just sit at a cafe just to stop and like, catch my breath. Perhaps the most surprising thing I'm enjoying so far is school. I've been in 3 different universities and this is the first time I actually really feel like a university student meeting new people from around the world and learning about things I don't find incredibly stupid and a waste of time. It's funny that I'd feel this in an Asian university of all places, but I think it's fucking spectacular. Amazingly, between my hectic days and weary nights, I spend like 90% of my time thinking about you. Honestly, I don't know where I get the energy or will for it but well. Most times, I just feel so incredibly lucky to even have had the few times that we've shared and to have had something real, even if it may have been a fleeting thing. I guess it's just #life but the point is I've always, always loved you and I always will. This is something that used to be a huge fucking problem for me, but it isn't anymore because I've accepted that this is just how my life is and will be and it sucks and it's painful but also it's great and it's beautiful because I don't know if everybody will feel this way about somebody or get the chance to experience something this raw and real, but I have and for that I am eternally grateful. Having said that, it's not without pain of course. Being this far away at a time where things may or may not come together is difficult, because I want so badly for you to be happy and to do everything and anything you want, but also I want you to want me because I'm selfish but I really can't help that. And it's really not just that, there are so many other fears and doubts that I have that may not make sense or may not even be important anymore and yet I find them crawling through my mind like a bug. I say not important anymore because I live with this constant fear that you're just going to drop out of my life without a word and above all else, that really fucking terrifies me.


I'll pretend that I'm kissing
the lips that I'm missing
and hope that my dreams will come through