all we gotta do's avoid each other

I don't know how I do this, or have been doing this for the past more-than-a-year. After today's carless journey to the west, I am reminded once again that this is not something i should put my faith in. I don't care what you say you said, but I know what I heard. It's funny because not long ago I was thinking about how stupid it sounded when he used to talk about how I disrespected him and his shit, and yet I find myself saying just that. You are driving me crazy. The thing is it makes sense for you not to have said it when I'm literally like right there, but also it makes sense that you wouldn't admit to saying it. Sooooo. Let's be fucking honest here, how the fuck am I expected to give you the benefit of the doubt? Because 1) of who you are and how we met and 2) yeah I'd do it too. I honestly would. The fucked up part is that I did not. Again, I find myself sitting there seething, absolutely fucking seething, my brain reeling through the times I decided against it for the sake of my sanity. And yet I find myself at the opposite end of this decision. I literally want to take a knife to your neck. I don't even care if I sound crazy anymore. Because we all know that I am. Perhaps the most fucked up thing is that I was finally letting myself enjoy this shit, after years and years of being fucking jaded. Okay I guess it's an exaggeration to say years, but alas, I have picked the wrong, rotting fruit. What's new. How am I supposed to fucking think my mind is fucking exploding with paranoia and disgust. Where do I even begin nursing my wounded pride. I am way too old for this fucking shit I really am.