“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.”

all we gotta do's avoid each other

I don't know how I do this, or have been doing this for the past more-than-a-year. After today's carless journey to the west, I am reminded once again that this is not something i should put my faith in. I don't care what you say you said, but I know what I heard. It's funny because not long ago I was thinking about how stupid it sounded when he used to talk about how I disrespected him and his shit, and yet I find myself saying just that. You are driving me crazy. The thing is it makes sense for you not to have said it when I'm literally like right there, but also it makes sense that you wouldn't admit to saying it. Sooooo. Let's be fucking honest here, how the fuck am I expected to give you the benefit of the doubt? Because 1) of who you are and how we met and 2) yeah I'd do it too. I honestly would. The fucked up part is that I did not. Again, I find myself sitting there seething, absolutely fucking seething, my brain reeling through the times I decided against it for the sake of my sanity. And yet I find myself at the opposite end of this decision. I literally want to take a knife to your neck. I don't even care if I sound crazy anymore. Because we all know that I am. Perhaps the most fucked up thing is that I was finally letting myself enjoy this shit, after years and years of being fucking jaded. Okay I guess it's an exaggeration to say years, but alas, I have picked the wrong, rotting fruit. What's new. How am I supposed to fucking think my mind is fucking exploding with paranoia and disgust. Where do I even begin nursing my wounded pride. I am way too old for this fucking shit I really am.

In Loving Memory

Happy post V day. It's common knowledge that v day is a sham and I say that without resentment or bitterness. First of all, I've never realized how in your face people's declaration of love on social media was, which could either be due to instagram or the fact that we're older now and everyone seems to have already found the ones they are going to marry. And although I am so so so far from that, I feel like this V day was not romantic in the traditional sense of the word, but was truly meaningful. It's funny that I'm already 22 and I just only truly understood what it means to be there for somebody.Okay no, that is actually very untrue.. but it feels different somehow. The valuable thing to take away from this is not to take life and time and people for granted. What I fully believe is that this stranger's incredibly sad and touching story will probably stay with me for a long time. It's amazing to see the difference between someone that puts himself and his comforts over everything vs someone that truly tried to reach out. I can't even imagine how difficult it is to watch someone pass, even more so when there are unresolved issues. But that's me watching as a third party, I can't impossibly understand how any of that is or feels. I'm not even great at being an outsider looking in, sitting alone in a corner feeling abandoned and seething, thinking i ain't no wifey. Something's inside me has been very wrong the last few days and I can't wait to let it all out. I can't deal with this built up paranoia and tension and general poison.


Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

going out of my head

I wish you were here with me to pass the dull weekend,
I know it wouldn't come to love, my heroine, pretend

don't let me

I guess I just must be a daredevil
I don't feel anything until I smash it up
I'm caught on the cold, I'm caught on the hot
Not so with the warmer lot
And all I want's a confidante
To help me laugh it off

but then again

happy new year everybody

before sunset

Not gonna lie: Going to miss these days when everything falls apart. Tickets to Tokyo have been locked and loaded despite the constant fear and paranoia that we could get more than sick. The truth is I expect the worst from the trip, knowing that whatever unknown diseases are bound to hit us, but it seems there's nothing left to do. I truly fucking hope we don't regret this. Some things just can't get away with "well, we were young and foolish". I don't know. Best not to think about it until the time comes. Until then, I think it's about time we, or I, try to savour whatever time we have left together here, because who knows what will happen in the land of the rising sun. Or worse, when we get back. The other day a good friend asked, earnestly: "So is he the one?" and I scoffed almost immediately. It's funny the way I need you, either completely and entirely or not really at all. Some weeks we hardly spend any time apart, and other weeks... well. I know in a lot of ways you're detrimental to me, but I also think that in a lot of way you've somehow made me better, lighter, easier. For now anyway. That's all that matters I suppose.


Is it cruel or kind not to speak my mind,
and to lie to you rather than hurt you?