don't know how to love

Perhaps the most interesting week yet. I've been waiting for this for a long time and it's exactly what I expected: predictably unpredictable. Feeling overdressed in a pressed skirt and my favourite bag thinking I'd play the good girl for once. Not that you'd buy into that of course. It's comforting how easy things are, but to be fair, we are simply people with social skillz. Interestingly enough, I've stepped out of it so far that I can objectively see and pick apart exactly what you're trying to do. It's very clear to me that there is a hierarchy of girlz, and I am not at the top. I know about you and her which didn't surprise me in the least, what surprised me was that you felt the need to cover it up but well, whatever it's truly none of my business. It did feel nice to think that upon getting nostalgic, it's mostly the nicer bits (sort of ish) that comes up. The truth is well, people don't really change. Like I can paint myself as a grown up, nice girl saying shit like "you'll grow out of it".. but the nights always end the same way, sitting in a park somewhere reminiscing about the times we were naive and hopeful. The worst part had yet to come, lying in bed in the early morning when the sleep unclouded my vision and coming to the most awful realization of all. The night proved to me that although I will always, always care about you, I basically have no feelings at all. Once the last trickle of whatever it was we had faded away, I was filled with complete and utter emptiness. This isn't about you, it's simply about the fact that there has been nothing and or no one in the last few years of my life that has truly filled me with the sense of.. whatever these feelings are called. My life is easy and it's enjoyable. I get kicks out of all sorts of things that I actively do, I don't mean to sound ungrateful or boring. I just mean that it has been extremely long since I have truly fucking loved somebody. The last few years have just seen me getting by with like the worst of the worst list of idiots ever. The last one was the only one that came sort of close, but I've always known I could never love someone like that. Don't even think about this one, he's simpler a lesser version of the previous one. It's like, now that I basically have no fucking feelings for anyone whatsoever, well... then what?



I know you're really tryna kill me