maybe sometime, in a long time

Nu Yeah! CNY weekend was spent in London and having steamboat out of a rice cooker #asianskillz. This week was spent at the clubs and generally not studying at all. Now more than ever is an apt time for getting my life together. Drunken snowball fights and spontaneously rolling down hills are where the good clean fun ends. Although I guess showers are clean. If I do not speak or think of it, nothing is real. I just like to do things I'm not supposed to do because it's fun and it's exciting and it's for now and it's something to do but also it's a burden and a mistake. And it's always there. I don't know when I became this person. I'm a fucking coward. Everything here is fleeting - snow so thick that it covers your shoes could be gone by the morning. Much like, well you know. I am a coward because I have a million questions about this situation and your situation but I don't want to confront it. I am a coward because I hate almost everything about this and yet I have done nothing about it. I am a coward pretending to be brave and unfeeling and cool when I know from past experiences that I can't handle these kinds of things. Because as much as I like to pretend I'm a boy, I unfortunately have this thing called feelings that I can't help but.. feel. For example I feel a lot of resentment even though I know it isn't in my place. It really fucking bothers me that nobody picks me anymore. I don't want to be third, I want to fucking be number one. Don't pretend you're trying to protect me when we both know that this shows just as much about you as a shit person as it does about me. Seriously though, aren't you a little old to be this scared to be alone? So fucking dodgy. I swear I've seen this all before. Everybody is the same person and I am sick to death of it. I don't know what I'm doing here. My youth is running on an infinite loop of stupidity and cowardice.


whether you're looking for corruption or a saviour